The Seven Deadly Sins of Holly Short
by slime frog
Summary: Holly gets cursed on the way into work (as you do) with a hex that means for the next seven days she will experience each of the seven sins. Needless to say chaos insues. Rated as secondary humour in account of my attempt to be funny...
1. Prologue

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Hello lovely people! I'm back! *large collective groan* Didn't I say I would be! *emphatic nods* Anyway, I hope all you screaming fans of SB and lovely new people *big wave* hi! are well. If, after reading this fic, you find yourself not, I claim no responsibility… ;)

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DISCLAIMER: All right then, we're going to do this once and only once 'cos I'm a lazy bitch. I do not own any Artemis Fowl related indica and Eoin Colfer does and I hate him for it. I own any little original and insignificant characters you see, which you are welcome to use (as if you would want to) provided you say they're mine. Not that I'm in any way possessive. I also don't really own the general plot idea… I got the original plot idea from an episode of Charmed a while ago which had people struck by the sins… I just remember Piper was greed, Phoebe was lust, Prue was pride and Leo was sloth. So yeah, the Charmed people kinda own that. And although I had the idea way before it was posted, a fic was posted a while ago about the sins where one AF character was each assigned a sin. Can't remember who wrote it but I have a feeling it was one of the Criminality lot. So anyway, I do know this other fic exists, I am not copying (people always seem to be stealing the ideas straight from my head…) and yada yada yada, please don't sue. That was the one and only disclaimer! *thank God the readers cry* Glad we did that. Feel we all benefited. ;) *silly giggles*

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A/N: I'll shut up in a minute, honest. Anyway, this fic is quite simple really. It will have a prologue, a chapter each sin, then an epilogue. *happy sigh* nice and simple. Artemis will not be in it, though there is a faint possibility he will be mentioned, and there will be NO PAIRINGS. Except, that it, for those which occur under the influence of magic… *cackle* which will be one sided. Anyway, hope you like it. And if you just read all that crap, I highly commend you. You have a will of steel.

This is dedicated to my wonderful beta, who is fantastically generously proof-reading this fic for me, even after the year-long slog that was Strictly Ballroom. Love ya Mei. 

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Prologue

Another gaggle of protesters appeared to have collected outside Police Plaza as Captain Holly Short forged her way through the maddening crowd. She'd almost reached the first step up to the marble entrance when a pair of hands wrapped themselves around her arm, pulling her back. Wrenching herself free, Captain Short spun to face her assaulter.

A pasty-faced gremlin with a wickedly pointed nose and slitted eyes stared arrogantly up at her. Holly ground her teeth, forcing herself to be polite. LEP policy. Suck up to the civilians.

"Yes sir? Can I help you?" She almost spat the words, her mouth twisting into a deformed smile. The gremlin didn't seem to notice her lack of authenticity.

"I want to know when your _department_ will be releasing the East Bank warlocks. You have no grounds on which to hold them, it's a violation of their civil rights!" His voice was high and nasal and it corkscrewed right into the centre of Holly's brain, making her head ache dully.

Captain Short laughed. "No grounds on which to hold them?" She snorted. "So what would _you_ call sixteen eyewitnesses, including, might I add, fifteen humans, a mangled strip of motorway and three guilty-looking, wand-bearing warlocks then?

The gremlin looked slightly taken aback. "That still doesn't answer my question."

Holly abandoned all attempts at good behaviour, settling instead for the time-honoured blunt approach. "They will be released when either Commander Root or myself feel like releasing them. Now get out of my way or you can join them for obstructing an officer."

Needless to say, the gremlin got out of her way. Captain Short continued up the steps and had just reached the top when she heard someone muttering behind her. She was about to move on when she caught one of the words: Mimbowlus. A word solely used in the casting of hexes.

She whirled just in time to see a gremlin back disappearing hurriedly into the crowd. She thought about going after him, but decided against it. She was late enough as it was, and besides, she doubted the spell had worked. If she hadn't grown fur by now, chances were that she wasn't going to.

Removing her helmet, Holly skipped past Root's office and into her cubicle. A pile of brightly coloured memos lay neatly in her mail tray. She groaned. More mission reports she'd omitted to do earlier. Why was it that these things always came back to haunt her?

The videophone on her desk beeped and a small light next to 'Operations' began to flash gently. Holly sighed and picked up the vocal receiver. "Hello Foaly. What didn't I do?"

On the other end of the line, Foaly chuckled. "Plenty, I assure you. Are you using magic, Captain?"

Holly frowned. "No, I'm nearly out. That reminds me, I need to book a shuttle tonight, unless you've invented a way to complete the Ritual underground since I last saw you."

The centaur brayed. "I'm working on it. But we have a slightly more pressing problem. The tracer's showing up magical abnormalities on your person. Report to Ops immediately." The line went dead and Holly was leave wondering what under earth was going on.

Foaly was waiting for her at the door of the operations magical screening lab when she arrived. He led her into a booth and after shutting the door, appeared a moment later on the view screen before her.

Holly ground her teeth at the sight of his slightly smug expression. "Is this really necessary? It's probably just one of your precious computers malfunctioning again."

The techie switched his tail, but his face remained blank. "Better safe than sorry. Not a preferred philosophy with you recon jocks, naturally, but it works well enough for the rest of us."

"Yeah, yeah, Foaly, I get the picture. Are you going to scan me or not?"

Grinning, Foaly pushed a multitude of buttons and the booth filled with an eerie emerald light. Green sparks danced along Holly's form, teasing blue ones from beneath the skin, then sending them back again when sufficient information had been gathered. The feeling was not entirely unpleasant, though not comfortable either.

After at least ten minutes, the light finally faded from the enclosed space and Holly stepped stiffly from the cubicle. The centaur was consulting the on-screen read-out of the results collected from the scan as she came up behind him.

"So what's wrong with me?" she enquired, making him start. He quickly recovered.

"The sensors detected a hex of some kind, a very fresh one. The computer is searching for a match right now."

Holly helped herself to a seat. "D'Arvit." she muttered. "The little piece of troll snot's spell did work after all."

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

Holly related the events of her arrival and her encounter with the gremlin back to him.

Foaly winced. "We've got to teach you recon jocks some manners one of these days." The computer beeped suddenly and a message written in Centaurean flashed on the screen. The techie read it and turned pale.

"D'Arvit." he muttered, fingers flying over the keyboard, double-checking the result. Holly decided against beating the problem out of him, instead leaning on the console and settling to wait. The more time she spent in here, the less she spent on paperwork.

The search parameters confirmed the results. Running a hand through his curly hair, the centaur hit a button on his coms panel.

"Commander Root? It's Foaly. Can you come down to Ops? There's something you need to see." There was a pause. "Oh, it's good." He terminated the link.

Captain Short could only be patient so long. "Tell me, centaur, before I feed you your hooves."

He shook his head, infuriatingly smug grin back on his face. "Patience, Captain. Commander Root will be here soon."

Holly considered strangling him, but thought better of it. Instead, she contented herself with annoying him as much as possible. Feet on the console, fiddling with the controls, 'testing' gadgets, knocking over piles of disk. Foaly was about to throw her out when Commander Root arrived.

"This had better be important, centaur." He suddenly noticed Holly's presence. "What's going on?"

Foaly called up a window on the main screen. It was written in Gnommish this time. "This morning at about 9:07 the sensors detected magical abnormalities around Captain Short's person. I called it in, ran a scan and the results showed she'd been hexed, recently. We pinpointed the actual time of the incident to 9:03 this morning. The computer analysed the results and came up with this." He gestured to the screen. "The curse of the Seven Sins. The victim experiences each of the seven deadly sins each day for a week, starting the day after the hex is cast."

There was silence while this sank in. Holly was not looking in the least bit happy. "How do we cure it?"

Foaly grimaced. "That's the thing. We can't. It's like a virus; it has to run its course."

Holly rubbed her eyes. "Great. What are we up against then?"

The centaur settled comfortably into the explanation. "The Seven Deadly Sins are an old tradition, originally created by the People and later adopted by the Mudmen. They refer to the seven vices of society – greed, sloth, gluttony, avarice, lust, wrath and pride. They'll play out in that order. The first three shouldn't cause too much of a problem – they're not dangerous and people are unlikely to notice. Avarice, or common jealousy, could turn nasty but as long as we're careful you should be fine. It's the last two I'm worried about. Lust will be the most obvious to other people and the most humiliating, but – "

Holly held up a hand to stop him. "Hold it there, centaur. We _are_ talking about blood-lust here, right?"

Foaly smirked. "'Fraid not, Captain. This is full-on, passionate, sexu – "

"We get the idea, pony-boy." Root interjected quickly. Captain Short looked very sick indeed.

"Anyway, as I was saying, it may be the worst for Holly, but it's not too dangerous." He sniggered. "Not dangerous, that is, unless she's into some seriously kinky – "

Holly gripped him expertly by the throat, pinning him to the wall. "You finish that sentence, centaur, and I swear to Frond I won't only feed you your hooves, but whatever you have for genitalia as well." She squeezed a little harder and Foaly's face took on hue to rival Commander Root in even his most foul moods. "Got it?" He nodded frantically and she released him.

He coughed delicately and straightened his uniform. "The next sin will be wrath." He shot a look at Holly. "As she's already proven, this one is the most obviously dangerous and she'll need to closely monitored throughout the day. That'll need to be the case for lust as well." He took a breath. "Now, the last sin, pride, has the potential to be the most or least harmful of the lot."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning this one alone affects different individuals in different ways. Someone with very little initial pride, for example, would be hugely affected while someone with an excess of pride would hardly be affected at all. That's the black and white of it though. There are thousands of exceptions. In fact, only about 3% of victims fall into those categories. So basically anything could happen."

Holly was understandably confused. "Why can't I just stay away for everyone on the bad days and come back to work when it's over?"

Foaly shook his head. "Nope. You were cursed on the threshold of this building so it is in this building that you must complete the curse."

"Poetic." muttered Root.

Holly ignored him. "D'Arvit. Can't you just lock me in a holding cell?"

"Too suspicious. Someone would find out what was going on and the knowledge could get into the hands of someone who could abuse it. We just need to act as normally as possible and hope for the best. You'll be suspended from active duty, obviously."

Holly rolled her eyes. "Well, thanks a lot, Foaly. That's a lot of help. Just promise me one thing."

"What?"

"On the fifth day, whatever else happens… Keep me away from Chix Verbil."

*****

*sigh* I hope you didn't hate it too much. Anyway, whatever you think of it, please review! *big cheesy grin* I will be ever so grateful and constructive criticism is welcomed. As to updating, I have already started writing the next chapter, but it's going to be a lot longer and the specific plot details are a bit hazy as yet, so it may take a while. However, I am about to be on Christmas holidays so I'll have more time then and I've also almost finished my GCSE mocks, so all that horrible stress is gone (for a few weeks anyway) so I will do my best. Hopefully it'll be up quite soon (though those who know me from SB know how soon 'soon' is… *dark look*) so anyway, yeah. I'll do my best. But this isn't a one-shot, it is gonna be finished (unless unforeseen circumstances smight me down) and I have a really good ending so I wanna get there.

REVIEW, MY DARLINGS, REVIEW!

slime


	2. Greed

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*Cowers* I know, I know. I deserve to be strung up by my ankles from some cold, high and draughty crag somewhere above some very sharp rocks and devoured slowly by carnivorous birds of your choosing for all eternity… *whimper* I am so sorry. Two and a half months is… shockingly bad, even for me. I have an explanation though. *raises hand meekly* For those of you who are (on the UK schooling system) in/were/know someone who's in year 11 and know someone who's doing IT and art, then you'll know why. If not, let's just say for IT we had about 6 weeks to do about 4 months work, and art is… always time-consuming. But I've finished the IT now! Gave it in yesterday! And I usually neglect my art anyway… So I have time! Time! Revision? Don't remind me…

Ahem. Sorry to ramble. I've stopped now.

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TO MY REVIEWERS: I love you all! You've been amazing (if a little threatening). 48 reviews for one chapter… that's bloody more than I got for all of my 5-chapter song-fic story (don't read it. Please. Save yourself)! Thanks to **Captin Amy**,** Blue Yeti** (damnit, you saw through my cunning deception… ah, so kind so kind. And may I say, you're looking very furry and blue yourself…), **Rad Bubblegum** (ah, your reviews cheered my up no end… and made me feel really guilty too. I'm sorry! You were amazingly dedicated! Don't hate me!), **Tie Kerl** (ah, Book of Jude, that's the one. Yeah, I read that one. Was good!), **Taedere-Belletrist**, **The Sharpest Thorn** (Are you kidding? Root? *cackle* of course_ Root! *evil smile*), **The toaster** (ah, tell 'em my name. *reckless* Man, you reviewed a lot…), **Bubbly Hooplah **(you reviewed a lot too… I'm so sorry! I didn't _mean_ to annoy you so much. Please don't kill me), **impish-harlequin**, **Singing Cat**, **Legman Limes1**, **The Serendiptuos Oracle** (why did you have to chose a name that's so hard to spell anyway… aww, you don't need to retreat into your hole. There are no holes in our kingdom! We filled 'em all up with jelly, remember… *dribble* jelly… ahem. Nice long words. Chuck a couple of them in the English Lit. exam… *wink*), **(nameless)**, **demon sloth**, **flamin**, **Anacalagon**, **Boogalaga**, **Paulina**, **Laughing Dragoness** (heya! Haven't seen you in a while… hope your mid-terms went OK), **bilbette**, **Dslguy14 **(where have _you_ been? I've been waiting for you to update for _ages_ now), **Mage Kitty**, **Kelsey,** **Spasmodic dust bunny**, **Tide**, **evilimp532**, **Tonduil** (nuts, you are…), **TazMoon**, **Eva Kasumi**, **lutefa**, **Pendragon4** and last but not least **Artemis the Hunter**. Thank you all, all Frond-knows how many of you. *looks harassed* I'm gonna get seriously snowed under if you all review every chapter… *wink*_

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A/N: Ah, I said I was done rambling, didn't I? Ah well. You should know never to believe me. *wink* anyway, I had something to say here… yes… *sits in thought for a little while* nope, it's gone. No, no, I remembered! *sits up proudly* I've chosen a genre. It's general/humour on account of me trying to me funny. So don't expect too many laughs. And, one more thing, then I'll leave you alone and let you get on with it…

This is chapter is once again, and even more grovellingly dedicated to my amazing beta Mei Leng as she saved it from being crappy and boring (well… more so) and she cured my block, my depression and my plot-crisis all at once! And also, many many thanks to my other beta the Serendiptuos Oracle for helping me come up with ideas for the chapters in science lessons… *giggle* have you found out where they keep the chlorine/hydrogen yet? *cackle*

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The faint sound of her alarm filtered slowly through the layers of sleep to Captain Short's brain and with a groan she rolled out of bed and hit the floor cursing. Mornings were not her forte. Still swearing foully she staggered into the shower and let the hot water do its work. She tried to remember what had happened yesterday to cause the oppressive feeling of foreboding that hung in the steamy air, but it eluded her steadily.

As she was struggling into her jumpsuit and getting her legs helplessly tangled in it, the vid-phone on the wall began to emit a loud bleeping noise. Hopping precariously on one leg, Holly made a dive for the 'receive' button, sliding down the wall into an ungraceful heap.

Commander Root's gravely tones filled the apartment and the captain could almost see him peering into the room.

"Short? You there?"

Holly waved a hand in front of the camera lens. "Right here, Commander. What can I do for you?"

Root evidently decided not to question her location any further. "Report to Ops at 09:00 for a briefing with me and Foaly. Don't be late."

He terminated the link abruptly and Holly was left leaning against the wall as the memory of the curse rushed back to her. Another long string of expletives escaped from her mouth before she got herself under control. Obscenities would be of no help to her now. With a resigned sigh (once more, there would be no time for a proper breakfast) she wrestled into her jumpsuit, zipped it up, snatched a nutri-bar from the cooler, grabbed her helmet and departed for Police Plaza.

*

Holly hesitated on the marble steps, not at all eager to enter the building. She took a tentative step over the threshold. Nothing happened. She took another. Still nothing. The sprite on the reception desk was giving her a funny look, almost as though she had a large horn protruding from her forehead. Captain Short quickly pulled herself together. The key to this whole thing was acting as normally as possible. Straightening her back, Holly strode as confidently as she could past the receptionist and through the doors towards Ops, bypassing the security locks with her Access-Card. The officers she passed seemed to stare at her for a moment then look quickly away when they noticed her looking back. Holly frowned. This was just odd.

When she got to Ops, Root and Foaly were waiting for her. As soon as they caught sight of her, both pairs of eyes widened in shock and Holly strongly suspected at least one of them was trying not to laugh. It was the final straw.

"What the hell is wrong with people today? I know I'm a cursed elf, but from the way people have been looking at me, you would have thought I'd grown an extra eye. What in Frond's name is going on?"

Foaly definitely concealed a snigger as he handed her a mirror. "See for yourself."

Holly stared at him for a few seconds then glanced into the reflective surface. What she saw there held her gaze.

"Bloody hell." she muttered, fingers tracing the skin around her eyes. Her face had been transformed. Her lips and irises were a hypnotically strong gold and the area around her eyelid was tinted with the faintly glimmering colour. Holly was horrified to note that as well as her actual eyes having changed colour, her skin seemed to have done the same. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't rub the shimmering substance from her face.

She turned back to Foaly who was chuckling into his hand. "What in Frond's name is going on?" she demanded, handing back the mirror. The centaur pulled himself together.

"It's an, ah, side-effect of the curse. Each day it will visually express itself in some way, in this case on your face. I only found that bit out after you left or I'd have warned you…"

Holly spread her hands helplessly. "What am I meant to do? I can't get this stuff off and people are going to notice."

Foaly pursed his lips. "Just give me a second, Captain, I was getting to that." He pulled a pair of vials from a small storage unit on the workbench. "I made these specially. Coloured contact lenses to cover your irises. It's not a perfect match to your actual eye, but I did the best I could with the database picture and surveillance footage. No-one should spot the difference as long as they don't look too closely." He handed them to her. "Now, your skin…" He pulled a tube of what looked suspiciously like lipstick from a drawer. Holly was already shaking her head, but he continued anyway. "We can't use a blocker, Holly. You're just going to have to put up with it. The gold should balance out the red to a certain extent but some people will notice you're wearing it."

"And what do I tell them, I'm hoping to be nominated for the Miss Haven beauty pageant? That Lili Frond savagely cornered me, knocked me out and when I woke up I looked like this?"

Commander Root had refrained from shouting for long enough. "Captain Short!" he roared. "This is getting us nowhere! Stop moaning and just accept it!"

Holly blinked. Foaly took the opportunity to launch himself back into full flow.

"Now, for your cheeks and eye area, we _can_ use a blocker." He selected a tube of memory latex from the shelf. "Hold still."

He squeezed a blob of the thick liquid onto her skin and began spreading it over her face, creating a thin coating of the material that almost instantly adapted to match Holly's colouring. When he was finished Captain Short succumbed to the need to screw up her face. The latex, which had latched firmly into her pores, moved with her like a second skin. Foaly nodded, apparently satisfied with his work. Holly resisted the urge to glare at him, instead slipping a contact lens into each eye. After blinking rapidly, she looked back at them.

"Well?"

Foaly sighed. "You'll pass. Commander?"

Root took over the briefing. "Obviously you don't have clearance to go above ground until all this is over so I'm suspending you from active duty and putting you on desk work. Anyone asks, tell them you're low on magic. From what Foaly tells me you have quite a collection of unwritten mission reports."

Holly nodded slowly and suddenly caught sight of the tri-acorned insignia on Root's chest gleaming invitingly in the light. She couldn't help staring at it. It was so… shiny and it bespoke of power and high status. She realised all of a sudden that she wanted it. Really wanted it. Hypnotised by the yellow glow it cast, she began to reach forwards…

"Holly!"

Foaly's voice broke through to her and shattered the trance. Captain Short jerked back to reality to find her fingers bare millimetres from her superior's chest and both fairies staring at her. She snatched her hand back, looking slightly horrified.

"Did I just – "

"Yes." they said in unison.

"D'Arvit, this thing is strong." she muttered. 

Foaly dumped a large pile of paperwork in her arms before she could try to steal anything else. "Let this lot satisfy it. Whenever you want more, just tell me." He winked smugly at her and Holly shot him a look of pure venom before sweeping with as much dignity as she could from the room.

*

With a grunt of exasperation Captain Short headed for the coffee machine. After two hours she had only managed to write three paragraphs (and had plotted to steal half of Foaly's gadgets, rob a bank and hold the council hostage until they let her run the city) and she needed caffeine. Ingesting too much of the stuff had to be more fun than writing reports.

As the black liquid dribbled sluggishly into her cup, Holly found herself daydreaming wistfully of Active Duty. She longed to reclaim the joys of risking death at every turn, meeting danger around every corner and the intoxicating feeling of the adrenaline pumping through her veins…

She snapped out of her reverie as her coffee started to overflow onto her hand. With a yelp of surprise and mild pain (LEP coffee could never be described as 'scalding' but it could pack quite a punch), she hit the button to stop the stream and started moodily cleaning herself up. Great. Now she'd smell like a caffeine junkie all day.

She trudged back towards her office, wandering if it was possible to drown oneself in a hot beverage. As she walked, she passed Captain Kelp's cubicle (Recon and Retrieval had to share the drinks machine). The door was slightly ajar and before she knew what was happening, she had slipped through and closed it softly behind her. The room was blessedly empty, but Holly was not interested in any potential occupants. Her eyes had been caught by the line of shining medals displayed proudly on the wall. There had to be at least twenty. She drifted closer, fascinated by the light that played over them. They were beautiful. Why didn't she have any? Would Kelp mind if she _borrowed_ a few, just to keep her company while she worked? No, the curse whispered, he wouldn't mind at all. He'd be selfish to mind.

Before her true self could stop them, her fingers had grasped the first one and a happy shudder passed through her. She reached for another, less timid this time, then another, then another. She wanted them all. The gold beneath her contact lenses glinted triumphantly, knowing it had achieved its goal.

Suddenly, the door burst open and Captain Kelp entered to find Recon's best hissing in anger, his service medals scattered at her feet. He struggled to find words.

"Er, Captain… Uh… What are you doing?"

The curse promptly deserted Holly and left her to make her own excuses.

"Er…" she stuttered. "Well, your door was open and I, um, well, I saw your medals… that your medals weren't, erm, where they should have been…" Holly's tongue finally caught up with what was happening. "So I was going to put them back, because, well, to tell the truth, I've got nothing better to do today, and then they all, er, fell off." She finished the statement with the most dazzling smile she could muster. Trouble nodded vaguely, either believing her story or too confused to argue. It was impossible to tell which.

Captain Kelp stepped aside to let her out, then as an after thought, turned back to face her.

"Are you…" he began, squinting into her face. "Are you wearing lipstick, Holly?"

She paled, mentally called Foaly by as many names as she could think of in the nanosecond she had and cleared her throat.

"What? Oh, that. It's, um, one of Foaly's gizmos… a new form of tracking device. He blackmailed me into testing it, then got Root to order me to do it." She paused. "Bastard."

With effort, Trouble didn't laugh, but if she had looked up into his face, Holly would have seen the mirth in his eyes. He grunted in commiseration, and Captain Short took the opportunity to beat a hasty retreat. Safely out of the room, the door closed behind her, she spared a moment to lean against the wall and collect her thoughts. That gremlin was going to pay. Big time.

Taking no chances, Holly locked the door of her cubicle as she stepped into the room and stuck the lockcard, with a small note, to the underside of her desk. She couldn't stop herself leaving the office but she could slow herself down. She sat down at her desk again, gloomily re-opening the file.

*****

The sound of alarms going off jerked Holly from her cat-like stance, the shrill sound magnified by the vault's smooth metal walls. Dropping the bar of gold she had been about to stuff down her jumpsuit, she drew her gun (stolen from the vault guard) and scanned the area, looking for a quick way out. Predictably, there was none other than the open (and slightly smoking) metre-thick steel door. Of course the LEP wouldn't include an air vent in their high-security ransom vault. There had to be at least half a tonne of gold in here. Not to mention the hardcopy of the database that held, among other things, major international security secrets and information on Haven's Most Wanted.

Holly, however, had no interest in the heavy-duty filing cabinet that seemed to lurk resentfully in the corner. She had eyes only for the gold. Cooped up in her office, it hadn't taken her mind long to stray to the precious metal. Banks were out, as they involved leaving the building and Foaly was sure to be monitoring the exits. She'd briefly toyed with the idea of looting the centaur's technology store, but had immediately discarded it when she'd remembered the vault. The vault… The words had been like a drug, immediately snaring all sense of reason. Of course, it only contained a fraction of the ransom fund, but even a fraction was more than she could dare to dream about…

For a trained Recon officer, bypassing the security guards had been child's play. The vault door had been more tricky, but a couple of slugs in the mechanism and four concussor eggs jammed in the corners had done their jobs. And the fact that she'd used her security clearance to disable the alarms hadn't hurt either. No one could ever accuse Holly Short of not using the resources available to her.

But removing the first bar of gold from its snug foam nest had tripped the secondary system, and now she was in really hot water. The running footsteps of the guards were already audible over the shrill wailing, and there was nowhere to hide, no bolt hole to get away. She was trapped. She scanned the room again, hoping she'd missed something. She hadn't. There was no option but to stand and fight.

Flicking the gauge on her stolen neutrino up to the third setting (enough to knock your average elf immediately unconscious) Holly tucked herself into the small niche between two containers, cursing herself for forgetting to wear a helmet in her haste. She flicked the weapon's safety catch off and making sure she was out of the visual range of the cameras, cocked her gun and waited.

She didn't have to wait long. The footsteps slowed as they reached the door and Holly could almost see them peering through the smoky gloom. She held her breath.

"Throw out your weapons and come out with your hands up. If you do not comply within thirty seconds we will come in and take you by force if necessary."

Holly rolled her eyes. Military clichés. How sick of them she was. Without bothering to answer, she pulled the trigger, loosing blasts over her shoulder. She heard a thump, closely followed by yells of surprise. Then the pandemonium started.

It was over in seconds. After receiving hostile fire, it was policy to storm the vault, wasting no time with firefights. Captain Short was outnumbered twenty to one, and however many she took out, there were always more to replace them. She didn't stand a chance.

When she tried to make a run for it she was met by a solid barrier of uniform and before she knew what was happening, was lying on her stomach, cheek pressed to the ground, her arms roughly pulled behind her back. As she felt the cuffs close around her fists, she knew she'd had it. But she kept fighting anyway.

As they dragged her down the corridors, towards the holding cells she did everything in her power to resist. She cursed, she screamed, she struggled, she kicked out at anyone who got within range of her feet, she even tried biting, but to no avail. Within five minutes of the alarm sounding the steel door of the cell had clanged shut behind her.

Picking herself up from the floor, the captain slammed herself against the door, hands gripping the bars on the small window.

"Let me out!" she yelled to the retreating officers. "Come back here! As a captain of this force, you have to do as I say! Release me!" She rattled the bars. "LET ME OUT!"

The metal shutter was slammed across the opening, cutting her off mid-rant. With a scream of frustration, Holly slammed the door again with her fists. With a sigh she sank to the floor, back resting against the surface. "D'Arvit." she muttered. Could her day get any worse?

"So, baby, what turns _you_ on, 'cos you're sure doin' it for me!"

Holly turned her head slowly towards the noise, and noticed for the first time that she was not alone. She had a cellmate. Unfortunately, that cellmate appeared to be leering at her, green skin stretched in a sleazy smile, his wings folded neatly behind him. Holly started banging on the door again. Yes, apparently it could get worse.

*****

Captain Short had the sprite in a headlock when the door of the cell finally opened an hour later. Commander Root surveyed the scene with a weary eye and was vaguely surprised to find one of his senior officers attempting to beat up her cellmate, much to the aforementioned fairy's protest.

The guard standing behind him seemed at a loss of what to do.

"She's been at it for the last ten minutes. We tell her to stop, but she just pauses for breath and starts again."

Root contained his smile, barely. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about. Captain Short's just highly strung, that's all. We had to make this operation as authentic as possible. You never know how the perp will react." He turned a reprimanding eye on the unfortunate jailer. "You should have put her in isolation until you had established her mental state and therefore if she was safe to come into contact with other prisoners. You're lucky this was only a drill." The gnome nodded dumbly, well aware of the commander's legendary temper.

They turned back to the elf and the sprite. The captain was now proceeding to continuously slam the other fairy's head into the wall, screaming something about male egos, the stupidity of star signs and vidphone numbers. Root's mouth twitched.

"That's enough, Captain. Put him down."

Holly's head whipped round, her fists raised. On recognition of her superior officer, she pushed a stray strand of hair out of her eyes, delivered a finally knee to the sprite's stomach and let him fall to the floor behind her in a sweaty, shaking heap.

"He'll be fine." she growled to the guard, who was looking more than a little shocked "He has enough magic." She turned to Root. "Did you come to spring me?"

"Actually, I just came to watch you beat this criminal up. Of course I did. The operation was a success." He gave her a meaningful look that told her to play along. "It exposed the numerous areas of weakness in the security system. Well done, Captain." He clapped her on the shoulder, and gripping her forearm, steered her forcefullly from the cell.

"Hey, baby, you kick arse! I like that!" murmured the sprite as she disappeared out the door.

Holly braced herself for the onslaught she knew was coming. Sure enough, it did.

"What in Frond's name where you thinking of?" hissed the commander, fingers digging mercilessly into her skin. Holly winced. This wasn't going to be pretty.

"Sir, with all due respect, I had no control over my behaviour, and the prospect of go – "

"Oh, stop giving me excuses, Short. You weren't careful enough! You got sloppy, and you're damn lucky Foaly came up with a cover story, and that the council bought it. As far as anyone else knows, this was a covert technical operation to show up all the holes in the system and you were therefore ordered to stay in role until I came to give you the all clear. You blow the cover story as well, and I swear Short, you will not see the morning. Did your training have no impact? Did your experience in the field teach you nothing? For heaven's sake, Holly! All you had to do was stay in your office!"

He pushed her through the door of the Operations Booth, slamming it behind him. Foaly looked up from one of his screens, possibly to pass comment over the abuse to the booth's entrance, but thought better of it after catching the look on Root's face.

The commander took a couple of deep, calming breaths, pulling a cigar from his breast pocket. He inhaled several lungfulls of smoke before he spoke again.

"I will take no more chances with Captain Short. She stays here with you from now on, Foaly. She is not to leave this room, make contact with anyone outside this room nor touch anything in this room until the seven-hour curse effects have worn off." He glared at Holly. "She will then go home and try to plan a more effective strategy for resisting this damn thing tomorrow. A class from the Academy will be visiting and she's expected to talk to them about 'what's its like to be in Recon'." He strode from the room in a way that allowed no questions. None were asked.

Once the door was safely closed again, Foaly whinnied in annoyance. "So what, now I'm a babysitter?" he muttered. Holly gave him a look. He sighed. "Well, as you're stuck here, you can make yourself useful. See those disks over there?" He pointed to a pile of computer disks in a jumbled stack in the corner. "They should be in date order. And don't think of stealing them. All they have are mission reports."

The last few hours passed uneventfully. At last, Holly staggered gratefully down the steps from Police Plaza, back and neck aching from sitting on the floor and bending over piles of storage medium. She needed a bath. A nice, long, hot one. Oh yeah…

*****

Atrocious? Insultingly crap? Yeah, I no. *wink* And before you say it, I know it was slightly OOC in places, but this is (meant to be) humour. And just as a quick note about Holly beating up the sprite… Now, in real life she would have done a lot of damage. So suspend your disbelief, it you will, and imagine she wasn't hitting him that hard, or was healing him between punches, or he was healing himself… *waves hand vaguely* yada yada…

Anyway. Please review. Please. I _will_ love you forever. Next chapter will hopefully be up soon, but I need another brainstorming session with my Joint-Empress of the Mushrooms and Green and Yellow Paint to fine-tune plot ideas… I'll try to be better at updating this time. Honest.

Luv slime xxx

Oh yeah, one last thing. There was an extra scene in the middle of that that got deleted cos it was dragging a bit. It's basically what happens between when Holly gets the paperwork and when she goes for coffee. If you want it, say in a review/email it to me and I'll email it to you!


	3. Sloth

Hello all! What do you mean, who the hell am I? I know. Over six months. The longest time I've EVER not updated and I am very very sorry. So so sorry it's painful. Really. I've had a very busy last six months! Ahem. Did I mention I was sorry?

**TO MY REVIEWERS:** Are any of you still there? Do you even remember this fic? Probably not. Ah well, I'll thank you all anyway... Thanks firstly to **Rad Bubblegum** (my GOD, you must like this fic... you were amazing. And although I was supposed to cower with every one, I really liked getting all your reviews. In the deepest, darkest exam hell, they reminded me of times of freedom and helped keep me sane... so thank you.), **amber** (sorry about getting the Charmed stuff wrong. I'm not the hugest fan (not to say I don't like it...) and I only saw bits of the episode once a long time ago... though now that you mention it, I do remember the priest dude...), **Singing Cat** (ah! No! Not the cheese! Please not the cheese!), **Bubbly Hooplah** (I am honoured by your use of capitals), **maria**, **cookie monster** (-munches cookie- 'ank 'oo 'ery much -shower of crumbs-), **Sweetdeath04 and Thorney** (I emailed you the deleted scene, right? many apologies if I didn't), **Maiden of ice** (ah, now that would be telling, wouldn't it? ;)), **the toaster** (you'd better watch your back, missy, cos I'm coming for you if you don't update 'When the worst is yet to come' VERY soon... though I'm hardly one to talk...), **Wolfrat**, **Holly Rox**, **Ever1**, **LadyQueenscove**, **Tie Kerl** (I did send it, right?), **tonduil**, **Boogalaga**, **Blue Yeti** (a new shampoo, huh? So THAT'S why you spell so good! ;) Yes, I fear this chapter may be restrained in your eyes... but I was rather uninspired by it, to tell the truth. Ah well. And thank you for the Butler idea, that made it's way in, after a fashion... Ooh, this means I get a new chapter of Life! Woohoo! I knew there was a reason I was writing this fic...), **Laughing Dragoness**, **The Sharpest Thorn** (-cackle- dear heart, that's the whole reason for writing this fic, the Root thing!), **Hannah**, **lutefa**, **elea**, **Anacalagon**, **Seadragon**, **Red Five**, **mad sam**, **Captain Amy**, **Mage Kitty**, **Lessa3** (but what's a number between friends? ;)), **Artemis the Hunter**, **Dslguy14**, **Pendragon4**, and... -pant- oh no, that's it. Phew, that was bloody long...

Hmm... A/N... Am I doing an A/N... -racks brains- I don't THINK so. Well, if anything was glaringly obviously needing explanation, email/review and I'll give an explanation in an email/review here...

**A/N:** Ok, so there was one. It's just to say that this chapter has been a pain in the butt to write and therefore it's not the most exciting chapter in all the world. It probably could have been better, but it would also have been another year or so in being better, so it's probably better this way. Well, if you look at it this way, the quicker I get the duller sins over the sooner I can get onto the fun, exciting ones! I've virtually written all of Lust, some of wrath and all of the epilogue in my head as it is... Also, please excuse the weird breaks – fanfic is for some reason deleting all stars and squiggles from uploaded documents. Murder. Throttle.

One more thing, then I'm going to shut up, honest. This chapter is dedicated, primarily to **Rad** because she has been AMAZING with her reviews these last -blush- six months. Every time I got one I felt intensely guilty and it's probably largely thanks to her that this chapter got done this soon, and not, for example, after I had finished my A-levels in two years... Which brings me to my other dedicatees... secondly, my two darling betas for their betaing and plot helping, and lastly, but most certainly not leastly to everyone in Year 11 who has just done their GCSEs (we did it! woohoo!) or any other big exams this summer. It was hell and we survived. Go us.

--------------------

Holly had the presence of mind to wear her helmet as she stepped into Police Plaza the next day. Frond knew, she didn't want a repeat of yesterday's entrance.

She went to straight to Ops, where, naturally, Foaly and Root were waiting for her. Holly hoped there weren't any cameras trained on her as she removed her headgear.

"So? What colour am I today?"

The other two sighed with relief. "Beige." Foaly told her, matter-of-factly. "Barely noticeable." He handed her the contact lenses and the lipstick (now in a natural tone after the reaction it had received when previously presented to her) and proceeded to smear latex on her cheekbones, leaving her to do the rest. Holly was secretly glad. Fond as she was of the centaur, his carrot stained teeth and breath that smelt slightly of boiled cabbage were best avoided at close quarters.

Fully covered up, Holly slumped into the nearest chair, feeling a sudden wave of fatigue. She had been up half the night worrying about the dratted curse and the lack of sleep was starting to take its toll. She forced herself to concentrate on the commander's voice.

"– Duty, as before. Unfortunately, lying low won't work today, so we're just going to have to hope for the best. You'll remember, I'm sure, that a class from the Academy is visiting the LEP today and they expect a tour of Recon and a talk from one of its officers." He sighed. "I nominated you before the curse, and when I tried to change it, they wouldn't let me. Something about it being bad enough to insist on such a controversial elf who was setting a bad example to the young of today, then to change it when all the arrangements had already been made..." He trailed off with a sharp look at Holly. "Are you listening to me, Captain Short?"

Holly jerked her head up off her chest, blinking in shock. "Yes. Heard every word you said."

Root opened his mouth to rebuke but thought better of it. She wouldn't fight back, and that was what made it fun.

He settled instead for a steely, thoroughly disapproving glare. "The class will arrive in half an hour, so until then, you can plan a route with Foaly and go over the speech he has written for you."

Foaly's face flickered for a second, and Holly almost grinned. She just hoped he could knock off a satisfactory one in the time they had. She was certainly useless at spontaneous public speaking.

--------------------

Forty minutes later, and having been dragged from Ops by a furious Commander Root when she hadn't reported to him on time, Holly stood before a class of eager-looking fairies gathered in the Briefing Room and attempted to maintain an air of authority. She fumbled the piece of paper on which Foaly had scribbled 'a few words' (in reality a lengthy essay outlining the importance of reconnaissance officers in a modern police force) from her pocket, blinking hard to get her eyes to focus on the cramped writing. It was evident the centaur spent too much time on a computer, to the point that he seemed to have forgotten how to use a pen.

With the speech finally in front of her, Holly walked backwards until she came into contact with a surface on which she could slump. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Commander Root and Wing-Commander Vinyáyá watching her closely. They both appeared to be waiting for her to make a mistake.

Captain Short cleared her throat, and the room tensed in anticipation. The students were all secretly fascinated and thrilled to meet the legend that was Holly Short, many a break-time having been spent whispering excitedly about the latest scandal. They were itching to ask about Artemis Fowl, the dreaded mud boy they'd come to fear, but they had been expressively forbidden from doing so. Since the mindwipe, Fowl's name was not mentioned around the LEP unless absolutely necessary. Their lieutenant had vaguely hinted it has something to do with moving on, rumours and widespread panic but that was all he would reveal on the matter.

Holly suppressed a yawn as she started to speak. "Good morning, my name is Captain Holly Short and today I will be," She paused to scratch her nose. "talking to you about, erm," She stared blankly at the paper, then seemed to re-find her place. "Oh right, about being in Recon. Recon is one of the most important departments in the LEP, yada yada, without us the whole operation would be sunk, blah blah blah," The fairies seemed to have frozen in shock. Root was trying to hide his dismay, and Vinyáyá was turning a shade of red to rival the commander at his most furious.

Root quickly strode forwards, snatching the page from Holly's fingers as she waved it in an attempt to help her think of the next word.

"Ahem, what she means to say is," He looked down at the last paragraph. "that you are very welcome here, feel free to ask any questions and enjoy your day!"

Shooting an apologetic look at Vinyáyá, he steered Holly out of the room, and marched her down the corridor to the coffee machine. Twenty seconds later he pushed the steaming cup into her hands, ordering her to drink it. Then, with a hissed order to keep herself together he shoved her in the direction of the Briefing Room.

Holly allowed all this to happen in a sleepy daze. Absent-mindedly sipping the scalding liquid, she strolled leisurely back to her 'class' and with a wave of the hand, gestured for them to follow her.

Foaly stepped out of Ops to stand next to the commander as he watched her go. The elf was looking worried, frown lines creasing his brow. The centaur had to agree with him on that. He had a bad feeling about today, in his hooves. And although centaurean hooves have never been proved to possess clairvoyant abilities, one generally trusted them.

--------------------

There was a timid knock on the door of Commander Root's office. Standing there was a skinny little gnome, who, if the whiteness of his skin and the way he quivered all over was any kind of indicator, was scared witless. And with good reason, as it turned out. The commander was in a particularly foul mood. One of his officers had become a little impatient with the duty manager at Tara and now they were threatening to file a lawsuit against the LEP for assault, and he was being held personally responsible. It was at times like this when he missed the good old days, when no one bothered with all that legal humdrum. The 'shoot first, ask questions later' days. But now, there was an average of two point three lawyers to each reasonably well off fairy, and if you so much as spoke too loudly to some uppity pixie and her daughter, you'd find yourself in the dock with some ridiculous charge like 'verbal harassment' or something. Root rubbed his eyes. It was a world gone mad.

Forgive me, I seem to have gone off on a tangent about the inadequacy of modern society. Sorry. Anyway, back to the quivering gnome. After his first attempt was ignored, he rapped on the door again, a little harder this time, hoping that maybe the monstrous commander with his legendary temper and face to match wasn't in. No such luck. As he raised his fist for the third time, the door burst open and the aforementioned elf grabbed him by the lapels and hoisted him a good five centimetres off the ground. Toes swinging slightly, the little fairy swallowed.

"Well?" roared the commander. "What is it? I am in the middle of something!"

"It's, erm, Captain, Captain Short, s-sir, she's..." He gathered all his courage together. "Lieutenant, erm, Vein was it? Or-or it could have been... um..."

"Never mind the lieutenant's name! What?"

The gnome licked his lips nervously. "He told me to get you. She – Captain Sh-Short has been, well, he didn't really know, but he thought it could be drugs..."

Root closed his eyes and took several deep breaths, sorely tempted to smash the little fellow's head into the ceiling. "OK." he said through gritted teeth. "Where is she?"

"In her cubicle, sir. Well, at least, it had her name on the door, I don't know if it was her cubicle – "

Root dropped him and strode past, heading for Holly's cubicle. The girl had better be in serious trouble...

--------------------

It was only later, when crisis and exposure had been successfully avoided, that the commander found out what had actually happened.

It would seem that, while leading her 'class' of eager little gnomes, elves, gremlins and sprites around the reconnaissance offices, Holly had disappeared for 'just a moment' and when forty-five minutes later, she had still not materialised, one of the brighter members of the class suggested that she might _just_ have forgotten them. What a break-through.

It was another ten minutes before any of them worked up the courage to ask someone for help. In the end, the recently promoted Lieutenant Vein asked them why they were milling around like lost swear toads and they fell over themselves to tell him, pouring out the (in their minds) traumatic episode, all talking at once and being generally unintelligible.

Vein, blessed with infinitely more patience than the commander, listened carefully to the frantic babble, extracted the general meaning and gestured for them to follow as he led the way to the recon cubicles. Quietly, he wondered what Captain Short thought she was doing. Although he didn't know her very well, her spectacular, well, cock-ups, to be blunt, were legendary. But then so too, within the department, anyway, was her determination and skill. She was a good officer, it was just that sometimes she tried too hard to do the right thing. Though how that tied into abandoning this lot was a mystery to the lieutenant.

He knocked on Holly's door and the class fell into an apprehensive silence. When there was no answer, Vein pressed his ear to the door, listening for any sound of the room's occupant. As he leaned against it, it swung open unexpectedly and Vein immediately drew his buzz-baton. This was not right. An open door meant an officer in residence, but there had been no answer to the knock. He signalled for the class to get behind him, then peeked into the room. The only fairy was Short herself, and Vein saw immediately why he hadn't heard her. She was slumped in her chair, head resting on her keyboard, seemingly unconscious. There was an empty coffee cup next to her left hand. Vein's brain immediately connected the two, and he strode into the room, grabbing the cup and peering into it. He took a sniff, but the thick smell of the drink made it impossible to detect anything out of the ordinary.

He turned back to the waiting fairies urgently. "You," He pointed to a meek looking female pixie with a notebook and a pen. "Go get a medic. Tell him Captain Short is unconscious, probably drugged. And you," He inclined his head at the gnome. "Get Commander Root. Move!"

As the two rushed off to do his biding, the lieutenant gripped the unconscious captain's arm, shaking her gently as he tried to rouse her.

"Captain Short, can you hear me? Captain Short. Holly? Holly, can you hear me?" He shook her harder but still there was no response.

A medic skidded into the room, looking out of breath. "What's the situation?" he panted. He pointed at Holly. "This the officer?"

Vein nodded. "This is her. I just found her like this. I've tried to wake her, but I can't. I'd guess her coffee was spiked." He gestured to the cup.

"Do you have any idea how long she's been out?"

"She left us about forty five minutes ago." a small voice piped up from within the crowd. The medic glanced at the group. Great. That was all he needed. A drugged captain and her class. Why couldn't the officers look after themselves for once?

He sighed. "Ok, out the way. Let me have a look at her."

He pulled a small torch from his pack, and leaned Holly back in her chair, turning it to face him. He gripped her eyelash and pulled the lid away from the eye, shining the light through the pupil. It reacted just as it should. But as it did, three things happened.

The first was that Commander Root arrived, his face like thunder and as purple as the beetroot he was named for. He did not look in the best of moods at all, mainly because he wasn't. But also because looking perpetually angry helped to install fear, and therefore obedience in those under you command. Root swore by it. It was a tried and tested method.

The second thing was that, while looking into her hazel eye, the medic had noticed that the hazel was in fact thanks only to the contact lens covering the iris. He moved it aside, and found the coloured area to be in fact... beige? Now, the gremlin had seen some strange things in his time, but beige eyes... it wasn't natural.

However, he was distracted from further meditation on this topic by the subject herself. Holly chose that moment, just when everyone was there, to let out a light snore. However, all the lightness in the world couldn't disguise the fact that it was just that: a snore.

The commander froze, his heart suddenly thumping painfully in his chest. The silence in the room was complete as every fairy there stared at the captain. It was then, with every eyeball on her that Holly chose to wake up. She always had had impeccable timing.

After lazily opening first one eye, then the other, she reached up and stretched, much like a fat tabby cat after it has been solidly parked in the best spot on the sofa for three hours. She yawned, showing a profusity of teeth.

"Why are you all staring at me?" she asked irritably, peering into her coffee cup to see if she could locate a dribble of caffeine. "Haven't you all got jobs to do?"

Before any of the others could put their confused thoughts into words, Root stepped in, a veritable maelstrom of efficiency.

"Nothing to worry about folks, Captain Short was just conducting a field test into, er..." He paused, waiting for inspiration to strike him, and strike him it did. "... delayed narcotics and resistance to them." He spared a second to spear Holly with an acid glare. "Needless to say, she's failed on the last one."

When nobody began to move he began pushing them subtly towards the door. "Come on, the captain's right, you've all got jobs to do, so go and do them before I take the time you're wasting out of your paycheques!"

The room emptied faster than the site of a dwarf fart.

Sighing heavily, Commander Root closed the door firmly behind them and leaned against Holly's desk.

"Short," he said through gritted teeth. "You ever pull a stunt like that again, _especially_ under circumstances such as this, and I swear I won't only transfer you to drain duty, but I'll personally ensure you are posted outside the factory that makes Atlantean Stink Balloons extra stinky. Got it?"

If Holly had had her wits about her, she would have noticed the signs – false calmness, strained neck muscles – and would have taken swift evasive action. However, she barely had half a wit to go around, so she simply shrugged noncommittally and propped her feet up on the desk.

Suddenly, the chair disappeared from under her and she found her back pressed against the wall and Commander Root's nose inches from hers.

"SHORT!" he screamed. "I'VE JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU! I DON'T CARE IF THE BLOODY CURSE IS MAKING YOU ACT LIKE THIS, IT STOPS NOW! IT'S TIME YOU STARTED FIGHTING BACK! FROND, WOMAN, WHERE'S YOUR SPINE?!"

Holly's eyes widened as the curse temporarily relinquished its grip on her, and she was suddenly very aware of her situation and the cause of it. She wondered for a few seconds why it was that she'd stopped breathing, before realising that it was because she couldn't. Her commander's fingers were too tightly wrapped around her throat.

"Julius!" she managed to gasp, feeling her face start to turn red. "I can't breathe!"

His eyes flickered down to his hand, almost as if he was surprised to find it there and loosened his grip. Holly collapsed to the floor retching and clutching her bruised neck. Root turned away, gripping the edge of the desk and breathing heavily.

He turned slightly, not quite looking at her. "Holly, I'm... sorry, I just – "

"S'quite all right." croaked the elf. "You were provoked and I didn't have the sense to recognise the signs. S'not your fault." She coughed violently. "I'm sure my windpipe will reinflate in just a moment..."

The commander squatted down next to her, concern accidentally crossing his face. "Just breathe. Take deep breaths, that's it, in... out..." Holly spluttered and a look of relief crossed her face. "Keep breathing, Short, don't stop just because – "

The door burst open, cutting him off, and Trouble Kelp fell into the room. He took in the scene and turned red.

"Oh... Am I... I didn't mean... I just heard shouting and..." He trailed off, looking from one to the other, a stunned expression across his handsome face.

Root sprang to his feet immediately. "You're not, I mean, we weren't, I mean... No! Of course not! How could you even... No!" Behind him, Holly stood up shakily, using the wall for support. "We just had a disagree – "

"I'm behind on mission reports again." Holly interrupted, saving him from himself. "Commander Root was reminding me of, er, the serious implications of this, and the importance of keeping the reports up to date."

"Oh, of course." muttered Trouble.

"Well, I have things to be getting on with." The commander was suddenly eager to leave. "Short, don't ever let me see you get behind again, or you'll be suspended." He nodded to Trouble. "Captain Kelp." And with that he swept from the room.

As soon as the door closed, Trouble grabbed Holly's elbow, leading her to her chair, worry etched into every premature line on his face.

"Are you ok, Captain? You know, if you file an official complaint no one will think any the less of – "

"I'm fine!" she snapped, then immediately regretted it. He was just trying to help. "I'm fine, Trouble, honestly. It's just that... well, Commander Root has been very highly strung lately, and, well... I guess I was feeling reckless today." She attempted to smile reassuringly at him. "I picked a bad time to argue back, that's all." She laughed gently, but unfortunately the gesture was wasted as it caused her to hack disturbingly.

Trouble smiled back all the same. "Well... if you're sure... You know we'll support you though, Holly, if ever you do decide – "

"There's nothing to decide! Beetroot's doing his job, and so am I. We're professionals, Trouble. He does what he has to do to keep this operation running smoothly, and so do I. End of story."

He smiled again, though this time it was genuine. "Point taken. I'll drop it and leave you alone, as I'm sure you can't wait to get back to those reports..." He patted her arm and got up to leave. Holly felt she should say something, but he was gone before she could formulate a reply. Even so, she breathed a sigh of relief. Next week couldn't come quick enough.

--------------------

The rest of the day passed uneventfully, with the exception of a bruised head obtained by one of the LEP paper-pushers who'd asked Captain Short if she was done with the East Bank Hospital Seizure report, when a stapler had collided with the side of his face. Needless to say, no more paper work was asked of her.

To her credit, Holly had made a valiant effort to stay focused on the reports. She knew they had to be done, had been told to do them and had every intention of complying but the curse was having none of it. By the afternoon, her desk was littered with countless coffee cups (she was always forgetting to take her old one with her) and she'd tried to sleep on just about every surface the room had to offer, including the top of the flat computer screen. She'd also beaten the office solitaire record by three hundred points, a game every bored teenager with a computer knows is fearsomely addictive. It had been a bad day, and all she wanted was for it to end, so she could go to sleep and stop wasting her time being awake and doing nothing.

Holly looked at the clock on the wall opposite her. 4:15 p.m., Haven time. She hadn't looked in ages, and last time it had said 4:12. She needed something to do, a way to fight the curse. With a heavy, melodramatic sigh she heaved herself out of her chair and trudged to the door, opening it wearily and stepping out into the corridor. Walking was _such_ a chore, she had no idea why she'd never noticed it before. At approximately the speed of a tortoise on crutches she shuffled towards the coffee machine, wondering which inconsiderate sod had put it so damn far away. She was horrified to find, upon reaching it a small sign saying 'Out of Order' stuck over the control panel. All that work! For nothing!

If the curse had had it's way, she would have just sat down right there and not bothered to get up until she'd been forcibly removed, but Holly still had a certain willpower to resist the more dramatic effects. Shoulders drooping, feet dragging she forced herself along the corridor and up the stairs, to the machine on the floor above, earning herself a couple of weird looks as she went. It seemed that news of the curse's effects had spread pretty fast. Then again, how often did an officer break into the vault, get drugged, drink the entire contents of the drink vendor and throw things at passing colleagues in one week?

Coffee in hand, Captain Short eyed the steps, preparing herself for the long hike down. It was at that moment that the curse decided to deliver its final punch for the day. Suddenly, Holly's vision swam and blended around her, quickly blackening as she swayed at the top of the steps. She just had time to mutter a cry of surprise before her grip on the cup slackened and she felt her world begin to plummet around her.

--------------------

In total, seven people saw her fall, and as she lay still at the foot of the stairs, all bar one of them ran in a different direction for a medic. So much for team effort. Only Commander Root, who had been on his way to discipline one of his junior officers, ran towards her, with the misguided intention to catch her before she slammed into the concrete floor. But unfortunately gravity won the race and Holly landed with a sickening thud after tumbling down at least ten metres of sharp-edged steps.

Dread started to seep into Root's stomach as he took in her motionless form, the blood oozing from the cut on her forehead, the way her arm was twisted under her. Hand trembling slightly, he reached towards her neck, guiltily noticing the purple bruising that was already beginning to show, and pressed his fingers against her jugular. "Please, Frond, let her be alive..." he muttered. Relief swamped him as he felt the blood pushing rhythmically against his fingertips, steady and strong.

"Don't move her!" yelled a voice from behind him as a warlock dashed towards them. "There may be damage to her neck and spinal cord if you do!"

The medic crouched down opposite him. "Where did she fall from? The top?"

Root nodded, watching as a few dim sparks attempted to congregate around the captain's arm. "She must have blacked out at the top, I think. She didn't trip, just sort of toppled over."

Another medic arrived behind them, and groaned. It was the same one from earlier in the day. "Oh good Frond, not her again. She just can't keep herself out of trouble, this one." He paused for breath. "Er, sir, if you wouldn't mind, I need access..."

Root obligingly stepped out of the way. By now a small crowd had begun to gather, enclosing the group in a circle of legs.

The first medic was shining a light into each of Holly's eyes in turn. "She's out cold, but there doesn't seem to be any brain damage, or at least not any that I can tell." He turned to the people watching. "Someone get me a stretcher and a neck support! Now!"

The second medic was holding some sort of scanner over Holly's back. "There doesn't seem to be any damage to the spine or neck, but we need to proceed with caution until we can do a proper scan." He scrolled down the screen with a stylus. "She's fractured her arm though, and she may have mild concussion."

The first medic nodded. "Right. Let's get her to the medical wing, we can do further tests there. I'm not happy about healing that arm until I know exactly what's going on. Can you order a full CAT scan for me, please?"

His colleague nodded. "I'll do it straight away." He pulled a mobile phone from a pocket on his uniform and pushed his way through the crowd, dialling a number as he went.

Two more medics arrived on the scene with the requested equipment, and proceeded to strap the support around the captain's head and neck and roll her gently onto the stretcher.

The most senior medic of all those who had responded to the situation approached Root cautiously. You had to be careful with the Commander. His mood swings were legendary.

"Commander Root, sir, we'll need someone to accompany her to the med wing, to fill out paperwork and so forth. Standard procedure, you understand."

The commander nodded. "Of course. I'll come myself. As her senior officer, I assume there'll be things for me to sign."

The medic plucked up his courage. "Er, there is one more thing sir." He shifted uncomfortably. "The, er, bruises on her neck..."

"Obtained in the line of duty. I doubt very much that Captain Short would ever maintain a relationship with someone with abusive tendencies, if that's what you're implying."

The medic blushed. "No. Of course not. But I feel I have to ask. In the field, some of the women I treat..." He shook his head sadly. "You can only do so much for them, but sometimes a kind word is enough..." He trailed off and rubbed his eyes. "Sorry. Didn't mean to go off on one. Shall we?" And with that he led the commander in the wake of the unconscious captain.

--------------------

It was gone midnight by the time the medics finally allowed Holly to go home. After the scans had revealed no serious health defects, her arm had been magically healed, and she'd been generally fussed over for a few hours before she had at last been released, under strict orders to get some sleep, refrain from charging after goblins for the next few days (little do they know, thought Holly) and to steer clear of stairs for a while.

With a weary sigh, Holly pushed open the door to her apartment, chucked her key-card into the general mess that was the kitchen table and collapsed on her futon, feeling the sleep pulling her gently downwards. As a last thought she disentangled herself from the sling they'd given her at the hospital 'just to be safe' and lobbed it across the room. She was asleep within seconds.

--------------------

I know. Grab the rotten vegetables and your catapults, I won't resist... I'm sorry. All that waiting for _that_. I like to think it had _some_ slightly funny moments, but that's just the deluded author's opinion... Anyway, please review, feel free to scream abuse and swear never to read anything of mine ever again, and I'll try to make later chapters better. The next one, gluttony, might be worse (if you can imagine that) but after that, they'll perk up again! Honest! _Then_ you'll feel _really_ sorry for Holly...

slime xxx


	4. Gluttony

_Look at this! _Look_ at this! It's barely a month since I last updated! It must be some kind of record for me (we'll just forget the time, at the beginning of SB when I used to update weekly, shall we? I was young and unburdened back then. Yes. -cough-). So I shall not grovel and apologise here. Make the most of it, I'll be back to the pathetic pleading for you not to hate me next update._

_TO MY REVIEWERS: Ah, my lovelies, and how are you today? Many many many thanks to **TinkerBell394587**, **cookie monster**, **Xan the Great** (-stern look- you know, changing your name all the time makes it VERY difficult for me with my appalling memory...), **Her Supreme Bubblegumness** (hi Rad!), **suga CraZie**, **Tie Kerl** (and Kel? Are you speaking for her, Tie, or are you holding her permanently captive? ;) Yeah, the magic thing's easy to miss. It's in the prologue. Holly's running low on magic, purely for the convenience of making life harder for her and easier for me, haha. Yes, abused Holly is a nice prospect, I agree... I have a few schemes myself... -devious cackle-), **Z 2004**, **Holly Rox**, **IrethAncalime3791**, **VIV**, **Laughing Dragoness**, **Ever1**, **Ryu-Gi,** and** OceanChild**. I love you all! Remember to collect your FREE official 'Make-Muse-Come-To-London' campaign T-shirt on the way out! ESPECIALLY those of you in America and Canada, 'cos they're GOING there, Frond damnit! -cries- Its so unfair!_

_**A/N:** Just a couple of notices today... firstly, I should really point out, least The Oracle accuses me of trying to steal her, that The Serendiptuous (Sher, you need to correct the spelling on that so Word stops underlining it, it's driving me nuts...) Oracle and myself make a very small cameo in this chapter. (Nono! Don't leave!) Look out for Random Secretary No. 1 (The Oracle) and Random Secretary No. 2 (myself). I should also confess that the button line was all the Oracle's idea... we were in a rather strange mood in our A-level maths class... Indices and Surds will do that to you... And secondly, this chapter may be terrible. Or it may be brilliant. I like it, but you may find it too fluffy and insubstantial and too full-on in the humour department. If so, I am very sorry. I just couldn't seem to find the angst inspiration this chapter... So I hope you like it._

--------------------

"You're late." growled Root as Captain Short stepped sheepishly into the Operation's Booth at exactly thirteen minutes past the hour. "Where the hell were you?"

Holly tried desperately to ignore the carrot in Foaly's hand. "I, erm, I was... waylaid on the way in, sir." she stuttered, staring at the ground.

The centaur snorted. "Waylaid? By what? A tuna sandwich?"

Holly's head shot up indignantly. "No!" she berated him, then blushed. "Actually, it was a chocolate bar and a nettle smoothie..."

The commander stared at her, dumbfounded. "A _what_?"

"I was hungry!" cried Holly defensively. "I didn't get any food last night, because I was in the med. centre and I didn't have time for breakfast this morning! Anyway, the guy was a right porker, it's not like he _needed_ all the glorious, fatty, chocolatey calories," She paused to salivate lightly. "Whereas me, well, look at me! I'm skin and bones!" She stopped and glared malignantly at Foaly. "D'Arvit, pony, just gimme the bloody carrot!"

The technician's eyes widened horsily and he handed it over meekly.

Root seemed to be struggling with the facts. "Back up a second, Short. This 'guy' and his, er... chocolate bar... What did you do to them?"

Holly made a face and waved the rapidly disappearing carrot descriptively. "Oh, I followed him for a while, but he finally caught on and dived into the men's loo." She took a bite. "I wasn't going to follow him in _there_. Do you know how bad those things smell? I have no idea how you put up with it. Us girls, we keep our toilet clean, but you blokes... Disgusting. I wasn't about to eat a chocolate bar that had been in _there_."

Root and Foaly simply stared at her, disbelief etched into their raised eyebrows.

Suddenly Holly began to blink rapidly and shake her head, as if she was trying to dislodge something. She looked in confusion at the orange vegetable in her hand.

"But I don't even _like_ carrots!" she muttered. She slung it into the nearest incinerator, then brought her head up to look at the other two's stunned expressions. "It's doing it again, isn't it? The curse. Making a fool of me." They nodded and she said something utterly untypeable involving a certain gremlin, a chainsaw and a very sensitive part of the male anatomy. Root and Foaly winced at the thought.

With a resigned sigh she sank into a chair and removed her helmet. "Ok, tell me the bad news. What colour? And don't say fluorescent pink."

Foaly coughed to hide a chuckle. "Brown. Chocolate brown as it happens. Here." He handed her the necessaries and watched with a faint grin as she applied the disguise. He nodded his approval when she had finished, and turned to the commander. "So, bossman? Brief us our briefing."

­­--------------------

Holly seethed quietly to herself, fingers unconsciously clenching and unclenching. Damn Root, damn him to hell. Suspending her from active duty was one thing, but confiscating her cafeteria pass was just sadism, pure and simple. Holly ground her teeth, and her fingers crushed the plastic cup she had been holding. And then to deny her access to the soup machine, with its delicious warm, goodness, _well_... The man was just not fit to be around other people. He should be confined to some tiny dank dungeon of an office as near to the centre of the earth as possible, and the sooner the better.

Holly gazed sadly into the bottom of the desecrated cup, but couldn't see any final traces of congealed coffee. Without access to nourishment she'd been forced to rely on the leftover dregs from her numerous beverages the day before. The muscles in her tongue were aching from trying to reach too far.

Absentmindedly she began chewing on the sleeve of her jumpsuit, but the tough coating held together firmly, refusing to be digested. Damn Foaly and his indestructible polymer. Holly sniffed. It probably wouldn't have been very filling anyway.

She was _starving_. Ravenous. She'd never been so hungry in all her life. Maybe _that_ was why Beetroot had taken her pass, so that she'd eventually starve to death. Well, he had never been happy about her joining Recon, but this was a step too far. If he wanted rid of her, he should just come out and say it instead of trying to murder her in sly and devious ways. Ooh, when the council found out about this... He and his terrible ways would be gone and they would reward her for the diagnosis of such a danger to society... Holly's mind filled with the mounds of roast potatoes, stacks and stacks of chocolate bars, infinite platefuls of steaming pasta, humongous chocolate cakes floating in oceans of cream...

The vidphone on her desk beeped loudly, scattering her fantasies to the winds. Holly picked up the receiver resentfully.

"Short, it's Root. I'm just calling to check up on you, making sure you haven't assaulted any more officers." There was a worried pause. "You haven't, have you?"

Holly's lip curled, and she hissed lowly. "Yes, I bet you'd just love that wouldn't you!" she snarled. "Another chance to try and get rid of me, well, let me tell you something, _sir_, I'm not going anywhere! You can try to knock me off, mister, but it ain't going to work! You can try to murder me in all your sneaky ways, but you just take it from me, I won't just lie down and let you! I'm a fighter, Julius! A fighter!" And with that she slammed down the device, defiance oozing from every pore.

--------------------

In his office, Root stared at the silent receiver in bewilderment.

"What was all that about?" he muttered.

--------------------

At around midday the parts of her mind that Holly was still able to control decided that it was high time she got out of the office. It was pathetic, really. The girl had been sitting in her chair for the past half an hour trying to stop herself from eating the memos. They had lain invitingly in front of her, their bright colours shining encouragingly and it had taken all her self-control not to reach forward, snatch one and stuff it between her teeth.

Holly strolled leisurely down the corridor, eyeing up the passers-by. She had never really considered cannibalism seriously before, but now that she thought about it, it didn't seem like such a bad idea. It was at this point that the little voice of sanity at the back of her mind reminded her that she would probably get locked up for consuming her colleagues, and that prison food was atrocious and insubstantial. That had swung it, and the captain had ceased licking her lips every time an overweight fairy passed her.

She drew level with the drinks machine and stared mournfully at it, and the card reader that allowed an officer access to said beverages. Root really was a bastard. She tore herself away and began to drift towards the canteen.

Suddenly, a skinny gnome stepped into the corridor ahead of her, and in his hand was – Holly's heart skipped a beat – a sandwich. A big one. With lettuce and bacon spilling over the edges. It was the most delicious-looking thing the elf had ever seen. She had to have it. The gnome would understand. How would he live with himself if she died of starvation while he gorged himself on that beauty?

Holly broke into a run behind him. The little fellow turned slightly at the sound, looking over his shoulder, but was too late to dodge to one side as the captain leapt and latched herself onto his back, legs wrapped around his waist and arms gripping his shoulders. Well, one arm anyway. The other was desperately clawing for the food.

Holly wasn't sure if he'd got the message as he wasn't moving it closer. "Give me the sandwich!" she yelled in his ear, deafening him on that side.

The initial shock having worn off, the gnome proceeded to try and shake her off. Holly reasoned that he obviously hadn't heard her.

"GIVE ME THE SANDWICH!" she shouted, louder this time, in the other ear.

The gnome stuttered in amazement. After all, it was not every day that you got assaulted from behind by a deranged BLT-addict. The situation was already crazed enough, so he decided he might as well fight back.

"NO!" he screamed back, twisting from side to side to try and dislodge her. "It's mine! You can't have it! Go make your own!"

"GIVE – ME – THE – SANDWICH!" Holly repeated, pulling his hair with one hand and reaching with the other. "YOU DON'T NEED IT! IF I DIE IT'LL BE ALL YOUR FAULT!"

The gnome gasped as fiery pain rippled across his scalp.

"No! My girlfriend got up to make this specially for me!"

"Oh, so she's your slave is she, your hand maid? WHEN WILL YOU BASTARDS STOP EXPLOITING WOMEN AND TREATING THEM LIKE SERVANTS!"

"I don't treat her like a servant! She's going away for a few months, today was our last morning together! She didn't want to spend it sleeping!"

"I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S GOING AWAY, IT'S NO EXCUSE!" Holly paused for breath. "Look, this is getting us nowhere. Just give me the sandwich."

"But – "

"GIVE IT TO ME!" Holly grabbed a fist full of his uniform, pulling his nametag round so that she could read it. "HA! Corporal! I outrank you! You have to do what I say! NOW GIVE ME THE DAMN SANDWICH!"

The poor guy had had enough. With a final lurch he threw the elf to the floor and then chucked the now dangerously unstable sandwich at her. Well, roughly at her.

"You know what, fine! Just take it!" He stumbled away as fast as he could, breaking into a run, and Holly could have sworn she'd heard him mutter something like 'Psychopathic bitch'. Or at least, she would have if she had been listening, and not joyfully picking the fragments of the sandwich from her uniform

--------------------

Hours later, having fluctuated irregularly between sanity and hunger and attempted to make off with Foaly's secret stash of carrots (the centaur had rigged trip wires everywhere, and before she had even had a chance to touch a single carrot an alarm had sounded and a laser mesh cage had descended around her) Holly was becoming desperate. She felt like she hadn't eaten for a decade, and that if she didn't get some food soon she'd waste away to nothing, and when they opened up her office to see what had happened to her, all they'd find would be an empty uniform and a pile of bones.

Dejectedly, she began to chew on the waxed paper that had once been wrapped around that most beautiful of inventions, the mushroom burger. When Foaly had brought it over from the canteen she had almost overturned her desk, computer and all, in her eagerness to reach it. In fact, the centaur had looked slightly fearful as she snatched it gleefully from his hands and ripped the paper off in one frenzied motion, stuffing the entire thing into her mouth. Then, realising that the burger was bigger than her mouth, she had spat it messily out onto the paper, and proceeded to gnaw it ecstatically. Foaly had backed away cautiously, and could be heard later in the day remarking that he'd never seen anyone so pleased to see something that had associations with the LEP deep fat fryer.

But now, over fifteen minutes later, Captain Short felt as though her stomach had shrunk to the size of a pea and was trying to drag the rest of her with it. Needless to say, the mission reports were suffering again. Not to mention chewed.

With a growl (both from her stomach and her throat) Holly stalked out of her cubicle, slamming the door behind her. Root had taken her food pass? Fine. She'd just have to improvise. With a devious cackle, she started towards the cafeteria.

Stakeout was her first port of call. A good ambush always benefited from hours (well, minutes would do fine, she reasoned) of stakeout. That's what Chix Verbal had insisted on telling her on their first shift together in E37, and at least once a week for months after that. Holly shuddered at the memory. Thank Frond for the criminals that kept her away from that pod...

So, positioned subtly behind the large spider plant that stood opposite the entrance to the canteen, the captain had peered surreptitiously through the foliage for as long as twenty minutes before she decided she'd done quite enough stakeout. It was really very simple. People came in, looking slightly apprehensive yet determined, and came out looking slightly sick and with that expression that can only be described as representing the phrase 'never again'.

The second thing on the list was the disguise. She couldn't very well go in there in her LEPRecon uniform wearing a name tag and showing several overwhelming symptoms of belonging to the female sex, what sanity remained to her had warned. She'd be recognised in a mere nanosecond. And it was because of this that hours later a bemused janitor could be seen drifting though the corridors, wondering somewhat half-heartedly what had become of his clothes outwards of underwear and what exactly had happened to cause the pain (and the bump) on his head.

However, Holly still had the problem of her face, it being inconveniently both visible and distinguishable from any other face in the establishment. She scowled. That was Evolution giving her the finger, she was sure. Was there some grander conspiracy of which Root and his evil ways were just pawns? Probably, she concluded glumly. Someone up there evidently didn't like her.

Gloomy reflections aside, Holly knew she had to find a way to overcome the difficulty of identification and no sooner had she realised this than the solution presented herself, make-up plastered on, eye-brows plucked and hair coifed to within an inch of its life. As Lili Frond stepped out of the room on one side of the corridor, Captain Short's face split into a huge grin as she took in the clinging blouse, tiny skirt and most importantly, the tighted legs. The corporal would have second thoughts about ever wearing the LEP suggested uniform for female staff not on active duty again...

If she had had the sense, Lili would have obeyed her instincts, and run as fast as she could away from the devious smirk on Captain Short's face as she tapped her on the shoulder. However, the bimbo of the LEP had not earned her title for nothing.

Her pretty face split into a dazzling smile. "Captain Short! What can I do for you?"

Holly showed a few more molars. "Could you come with me a moment? I need your help with something."

The delight in Lili's face was visible. Since day one, Holly had either ignored her or had been entirely disdainful of her. This was a great leap. Maybe finally they could be friends...

"Sure!" She added a complementary eyelash flutter and followed the elf as she led the way down the hall, and stopped in front of a store cupboard.

"There's something in there I need your opinion on." explained Holly, the picture of innocence. She opened the door and as Lili leaned in to look around, planted a foot in the small of her back and pushed, sending the girl barrelling into the small room. Then, with a quick look over her shoulder, she stepped in after her and shut the door.

After maybe five minutes of mysterious bumps, scuffling sounds and indignant squawks, she emerged, lip bleeding a little, something that looked suspiciously like a scratch on her cheek and a pair of tan-coloured tights in her hand.

She looked up and down the space again, and closed the door with a snap, flicking the catch. The door would now only open from the outside.

Resisting the urge to cackle at her genius, she pulled the tights over her head and ran for the cafeteria.

--------------------

"Stand and deliver!" Holly leapt through the opening of the canteen, pointing an (unloaded and unusable) stun gun at the podgy gnome behind the serving hatch, all signs of her identity concealed by what appeared to be an overly large blue boiler suit and some sort of netting wrapped tightly around the general area above the neck.

The entire population of the room stared at her in disbelief. The gnome stuttered, trying not to laugh.

"Stand and deliver what?" she inquired, spreading her arms to reveal a liberally stained apron. "We ain't got no money here. It's all a card system!"

The mysterious figure halted and seemed to consider this. "No, no, I didn't mean _money_, you fool." She straightened her shoulders. "Stand and deliver... the spaghetti bolognese!"

The woman snorted. "You what?" She shook her head, grinning. "Look, sorry love, but I think you're in the wrong place. Try the bank over the road."

There was a murmur of laughter from the watching diners. Holly didn't like it. This was a serious business! Well, she'd show them just how serious she was...

With one swift motion, she grabbed a random secretary who had been about to walk past her and held the geriatric weapon to her temple. The elf froze, her eyes peering fearfully out from a curtain of thick black hair.

Across the cafeteria, the random secretary's random friend shot out of her seat, reaching desperately towards her co-worker.

"No!" she shrieked. "But we haven't finished counting the buttons!"

"QUIET!" roared Holly. "I don't care about the buttons! If any one moves, and I don't get that food within thirty seconds, she gets it, understand?" She waved the firearm threateningly, and was pleased to note that most of the smiles had vanished.

The gnome swallowed nervously, already regretting her jibes. "Ok, take it easy love, one portion of spag bol coming right up."

Holly shook her head. "Idiot! You think I went to all this trouble for one measly portion? I want the whole batch!"

The woman looked uncertain. "Er, sorry, but LEP policy clearly states that there is a limit of one portion per person."

Holly pressed the gun a little harder to the secretary's head, causing her to emit a startled squeal.

"A-Alright, take it easy, calm down. We can make an exception this one time, I'm sure."

Holly edged closer to the hatch. "Slide it over the counter." she instructed. "And put a fork in it."

The gnome did as she was told, deftly wielding the heavy tray with her thick arms. "Do you want a pot-holder to carry it with?" Holly gave her a blank look. "The metal gets pretty hot, is all."

Captain Short considered. "Yes. A pot-holder would be very helpful." She paused. "Thank you."

Protective article applied, she loosened her hold on the secretary, and seized the tray, tucking it firmly underneath her arm, resting it on her hip. With her free hand, she pointed the gun at the trembling elf before her.

"No one moves until I clear the doors! Or she gets it! This thing's not set to stun!"

No one argued. They were too startled to even consider giving chase.

Holly backed towards the exit, weapon trained on her hostage. When she felt the doors behind her she pushed them open, threw the rusting metal object at the nearest officer's head as a distraction and clasping her prize with both hands, turned and sprinted down the corridor as fast as she could, dodging curious passers-by as she went.

She flew past Root's office and skidded to a halt, panting. She'd never make it as far as her own cubicle, and surely Julius wouldn't mind if she borrowed his for a little while? Shifting the tray to her hip again, she wrenched the door open, slamming it behind her and threw the bolt across. (Root was a sucker for traditional security measures. He always said you couldn't beat 10 centimetres of solid steel)

Grinning like the maniac she was proving herself to be, Holly set the huge vessel reverentially on the desk, parked herself in the chair, retrieved the fork from its sticky mess and proceeded to stuff herself silly.

--------------------

Root strolled down the hallway and for the first time in what felt like centuries contrived to feel minutely cheerful. Today had been a good day. None of his officers had mysteriously disappeared, been mauled by trolls, caused a sudden downpour of lawyers or endangered the whole fairy civilisation. He attributed this entirely to the fact that Captain Short was temporarily suspended from active duty, and it caused him to reminisce longingly of the time before he had met her.

Needless to say, he hadn't heard about the incident in the cafeteria. Mainly because it was so outrageous that no-one had believed the witnesses, including themselves. In fact, most of them had been booked in to see the LEP's resident psychiatrist. Had he known this, he would have been a shade less perky.

Switching his coffee to the other hand, he swiped his Access Card through the lock and twisted the handle to his office. Nothing happened. He tried again, except this time a small metallic voice informed him; "Bolt engaged."

Frowning, he wrenched the knob, but still there was no response. On impulse he pressed his ear to the door, and through the wood he thought he heard... Was that singing? If so, whoever it was needed a few lessons before they attempted such an activity again. It almost sounded like...

Suddenly he started hammering on the door, remembering all too well what day it was, the implications of this and most importantly, the emergency supply of gin he kept in his bottom draw...

He almost fell into the room as the door suddenly swung open to reveal Captain Short, an almost empty bottle dangling dangerously from her hand.

"Juliush!" she roared heartily, flinging an arm round his shoulders (no mean feat as she was a good deal shorter than him) and dragging him through the opening. "So nice of you to come!" Her speech was decidedly slurred and it took all his concentration to decipher what in Frond's name she was talking about.

"Er..." he managed, trying to ignore the pain in his shoulder. "Hi."

Holly dissolved into frenzied giggles as if this were the funniest thing in the world, causing her to lurch sideways as she tripped over her own feet.

"Woah!" She toppled over and fell into a messy giggling heap on the floor. "When did the world get so bumpy?"

"About half a bottle ago." muttered Root, hauling her back up and leading her firmly to the chair.

"Wait there." he instructed sternly as she lolled sideways. Punching the button for Ops, he picked up the receiver and held it to his ear.

"Foaly? Yeah, it's me. Listen, it's about Captain Short, she – Well, what do you mean you're looking for her, she's right here – No! She didn't! Please tell me you're joking. Yeah, I've found her all right... And she's found my gin, D'Arvit. Yup, she's blind drunk. Just get down here. Now, pony!"

He slammed the device back into its cradle and turned to see Holly waving her finger in the air, a look of intense concentration on her face.

"No, Juliush, you see, I'm dot nunk!" She burst out laughing. "Noth – noth thunk. No!" More laughter. Then, very carefully. "I'm no - not drunk! I'm perfectly thober!" She grinned triumphantly. Root rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to bang his head repeatedly against the wall. Just.

They both turned to look as the door flew open and the red-faced technical consultant trotted in, looking none-too-pleased with the situation.

He took in the scene with wide, golden eyes, not missing the empty tray and fork thrown callously into it, nor the bottle Holly was clutching to her as though it were a life-raft.

"How much exactly has she had, Julius?" he whinnied unhappily.

"About the entire bottle. It was almost full before _she_ got her cursed mitts on it. It's a miracle she's still conscious, really. That much could knock out a bull troll."

Behind him, the captain took another swig, gasping and wincing as the burning liquid hit the back of her throat. Quick as a flash, Root snatched it from her fingers.

"That's quite enough for you, my girl." He told her, before glancing at the bottle thoughtfully and upending it over his mouth. Everything always looked better after a drink, he reminded himself.

Foaly spread his hairy palms helplessly. "What are we going to do with her now? We've got to her home without anyone seeing her!"

Root had caught the hint in this. "Oh no. Definitely not. I am _not_ doing it! She can throw up all over someone else's boots!"

Oblivious to all the consternation she was causing, Holly was playing with the commander's stapler.

"Oh, come on, Julius, this is no time to be squeamish! It's got to be you or me and there's no way I can _possibly_ do it! Anyway, she probably won't be sick for a little while yet, so if you hurry she might just make it home!"

Root pointed a stern finger at him. "Now you listen here, pony-boy. First, don't call me Julius. Second, why in Frond's name can't you do it? You know her far better than I do, you k now where she lives and if people see you leaving together they'll think nothing of it!"

The centaur shook his head. "No, I can't leave Ops now! It'll take me at least an hour to properly secure the booth! This is just what Koboi's been waiting for! A chance to sneak in where I've accidentally left a port open, and then she'll spread through the system like – "

"Foaly, you should really read your memos. Opal Koboi's currently serving a life-sentence in Howler's Peak. She's not 'sneaking in' anywhere!"

"No, Julius, you see, that's where you're wrong. That's exactly what she _wants_ you to think."

Root rolled his eyes, irritation growing by the second. "Look, I don't have time for this! You're taking her home, and that's final!"

Foaly resisted the urge to cackle. "No, Julius, you see that's where you're wrong. I'm a civilian here. I'm not under the same obligation as your minions to follow orders. I'll print you off the address and a map." And with that he swept (well, as much as one with four hooves can sweep) from the room.

Commander Root stared after him, lips moving silently. "Bloody pony." he managed eventually.

--------------------

Hours later, as Captain Kelp strolled along the corridors, he heard a desperate banging and shrieking coming from behind the cupboard door to his left. Cautiously he flicked back the catch, only to find Lili Frond looking thankfully up at him.

She climbed a little unsteadily to her feet, graciously accepting the offered hand.

"Thank you _so_ much, Trouble, I don't know _what _I would have done if no-one had heard me!" Her fingers lingered in his slightly longer than necessary, but in his bemused state, the elf barely noticed them there.

Lili smoothed her shirt and treated him to a dazzling smile. "Well, thank you, Captain. I must be getting back to work." She turned and began to walk off.

"Er..." Trouble stuttered. He blushed. "You're not wearing a skirt, Corporal."

Frond looked down as if to confirm this and waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, that's OK," she reassured him. "I look hot without a skirt."

And with that, hips swaying provocatively, she veritably pranced away from him. Trouble stared after her, blinking rapidly to try and change what he was seeing. With a muttered comment about what a week he was having, he retreated to his cubicle to polish his medals.

--------------------

-peers cautiously out from behind the ff.n frame- Was it awful? Did you hate it? The next one... heck, I dunno, the inspiration has yet to strike but hopefully it will be better...

Review, of course, as ever, for I crave the feedback... Oh, and one more thing.

**REQUEST FOR AN AUTHOR INTERESTING IN DOING AN RP:**

This is not to do with me, but with my friend LEPrecon Captain, who says she can't find anyone to do one with, and she's very bored, and I'm being evil and not doing another one ('cos I don't like RP too much...). And I'm sure there are loads of you out there who would jump at the chance. So her email and SN are (and she gave these to me to give to you, so I'm not carelessly giving out sacred info):

AIM: KaibasSis

EMAIL: l e p r e c o n (underscore) c a p t a i n (at) h o t m a i l . c o m (delete spaces - ff.n's being a poo-head about them)

If you're interested, she'd love to hear from you, I'm sure. Anyway, I'm off, going to stand out in the rain wearing a baking tray on my head and hope I attract a sudden flash of inspiration (or lightening, alternatively) and I shall see you... well, never, really, but anyway... hopefully I won't take forever to update. I'm through the hardest chapters now, so it SHOULD get easier...

slime xxxxxxxxxxxxx


	5. Avarice

_Hello. Of course, I want to apologise. That's all I ever bloody well do nowadays… I am very sorry. I know nine months is too long by anyone's standard. But the truth is, this is what life is like now. For those of you who are familiar with the English school system, you'll know what A-levels are, and I'm doing them. And they are ruddy time consuming. So yes. The thing to remember is that it may be months but I haven't forgotten. And if you're desperate, email me and I'm highly likely to collapse into a stressed heap at your feet and send you everything I've done and plead for your opinion. Some of you know this… see the dedication later…_

_**TO ANY OF MY REVIEWERS WHO ARE STILL OUT THERE:** Of course, I love you all. No really. Thanks to **Phil**, **Darja Ikica**,**darkmoon204, CooliWooliWoman, JayJayde, Knight of the Eternal Darkness** (-narrows eyes- you're brother wants my number? Hmm.), **fish stix satay, Redwren, Rad** (hello! -waves happily- -is met by stony silence- as always, you cheered me up. Love ya.), **FetishFemale** (hmm, forgive you for quoting Paris Hilton? I dunno…) **Lou**, **Alice Lee Winkerfish, IwuvMyKenhsyPoo, athleticsrulz, Bananaz the Sugar Monkey, The Woods Witch, Sikon-angel32, Kyia Star, Wolfrat, maximusd, Kryah, Citcat299, Slyfull, thorney, Sweetdeath04, Tie Kerl, artemis347, Kiwi9, Cyberspace, The Serendipitous Oracle** (and you say **I** am the insane one…), **cookie monster, Mr. Nozzers, Serenity Blue** (well, I waited in the rain for **hours** with the bloody tray on my head, and you know what? Nothing! Though I did get some nice ideas for Holly storming off into a torrential downpour…), **Ever1** (I expect you've already figured this out, but an RP is a role play. I don't really understand them. So far, they seem to range from hugely confusing, annoying and frustrating multiplayer games which everything is played by them saying 'you are in a market' and then 'this person walks by you' and as far as I can tell, there's nothing you can do but sit and watch it tell you there are people walking past… (this got me into a huge fight with the friend who suggested it to me). Then the other side is when you take the role of a character, and lots of you do it, and you go through a scenario, kind of improvising as the characters… stay away, in other words.), **Ryu-Gi, Amy Shadows, BeatlesLover, Holly Rox, Neutrino, Jenny, Laughing Dragoness, Pendragon4, wolfrat, IrethAncalime3791** and last but not least **TinkerBell394587**. Bloody hell that was a lot of names. 45 in all. Blimey. And I am well aware I've probably lost most of you now._

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Ok, a couple of things. Firstly, I know some of you out there love your H/T, but this is non-pairing. In this chapter you see them together a lot, but as friends. Just to point that out. And secondly, this chapter is dedicated primarily to a girl I **think** is known on fanfic as Wally, but anyway… she saved this chapter. She actually did. She emailed me to nag, and I ended up getting the poor girl to be bounced ideas off… so yes, this is all entirely her. Part of it is a slightly edited paragraph that she wrote. So yeah. Kind of my co-author in a way. And also dedicated to The Oracle, cos she also helped with brainstorming._

_Well, finally, here it is… And its actually the longest chapter I think I've ever written._

---------------

Root and Foaly were both ready and waiting to greet her at the door to Police Plaza the next morning. Evidently they were taking no chances. Each grabbing an arm, they frog-marched Holly to Ops in record time, through suspiciously empty corridors. The captain resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

"Oh, come _on_, guys, it's just a bit of jealousy, I haven't suddenly turned into the green-eyed monster!" She removed her helmet as if to prove that she hadn't sprouted extra teeth over night.

Foaly took one look at her, then snorted. "Green-eyed monster, eh?" He smirked. "Well, see for yourself."

Holly snatched the mirror irritably, took a moment to regard her new decidedly green tinge, before hurling it across the room, where its shatter-resistant polymer held fast and made an unsatisfying 'thump'. The elf scowled. There had been a time when one could smash a mirror and it would bloody well smash.

"Ha ha, Foaly, ha ha. Watch me laugh, watch the tears run down my cheeks at your genial wit."

The centaur made a face, which he was lucky Holly didn't see, at Root.

"And there was me thinking wrath was _after_ lust…"

Holly's head snapped round. "Just don't, OK? I'm really not in the mood, Foaly. I have the hangover from hell, my apartment smells like something unspeakable and I had about seventeen people stop me in the street this morning asking me if I actually got off with _you_…" She paused to glare at her commander. "…last night. I don't even want to _know_ what happened after I broke into your office, and certainly not what happened after, I assume, you decided to take me home. I'm perfectly happy to leave it in the black depths of drunken memory. So just don't start."

Both men raised their eyebrows once she had safely averted her gaze. They didn't start. Foaly handed her the contact lenses without a word. As an after-thought he passed her a pack of aspirin and a bottle of water as well.

Holly gulped down about six of the small white pills. "Thanks." she muttered quietly, rubbing her forehead.

With the air of one crossing a particularly frayed and rotted rope bridge across an unfathomably deep chasm, probably with very hungry crocodiles and other such welcoming creatures at the bottom, Root cleared his throat.

"We may have a, er, a slight problem." He pulled himself together and tried to remind himself that he was bigger than her. Though he strongly suspected when it came down to it, that would hardly matter. He took a deep breath. "It's Trouble Kelp. I think he's beginning to smell a rat."

Some of the colour drained from Holly's face as she smoothed the latex onto her cheekbones. "How can you be sure?" she asked, keeping her voice steady.

Root looked uncomfortable. "He came to see me last night, when I got back from taking you home. Not much gets past the kid, unfortunately, and he's noticed a change in Holly over the last few days." He looked to the captain. "He's worried about you."

Holly rolled her eyes hopelessly. "Oh, if only he knew…"

Foaly chuckled gently.

Root launched himself back into the increasingly treacherous flow. "For now, I've managed to put him off, but he's a sharp fairy and sooner or later he's going to figure this out for himself. And Frond only knows what'll happen when he does."

Foaly, safe in the knowledge that he had a very large arsenal of technical wizardry at his disposal to use in the event of a Holly-explosion, resisted the urge to grin wickedly.

"How exactly did you put him off, Commander? I'm sure Holly would like to know so she can play along accordingly."

The muscles in the elf's neck tightened and he gritted his teeth. That fool of a pony. Why did he have to go out of his way to provoke people, especially dangerous people like the captain?

"Oh, it was nothing of importance, just a – "

Holly had picked up on his nervousness. "How?" she demanded.

"Er…" Root laughed uneasily. "Well, you know, I may have mentioned certain," He braced himself. "Er, female tendencies to, er, behave slightly oddly due to the, er, hormonal imbalance that occurs once a mo – "

Holly stared at him in disbelief. "You did _what_? You told him I'm acting like a complete nut case because of _hormones_?" She threw up her hands in a gesture of despair. "Good gods, I don't know why the female species even _bothers_ sometimes!" She shook her head. "Hormones! You just don't get it do you?" She cradled her aching skull in her hands.

Root gave Foaly the Glare-to-End-all-Glares, and swallowed slightly.

"I'm afraid there's more. On any other day you could just avoid Kelp and we'd probably get away with it. But not today. There's been a situation above ground, nothing too major, but a little tricky tactically and due to this, the council have ordered a meeting with Recon and Retrieval captains and their superiors. Which means – "

" – I'll be sitting next to him." completed Holly dully, her forehead sinking further until it touched her knees. "Well, that's just great, isn't it? Wonderful. Fantastic. Brilliant. Please excuse me, I'm just going to go to my cubicle and hang myself." She took a deep breath. "What time's the briefing?"

Root sighed. "In an hour. We should really go o – "

"Then I'll see you there in an hour." interrupted the captain, getting up a little too fast from the chair. Clutching her head, she stalked (well, as much as one with a sucker of a hangover can stalk) from the room, slamming the door as quietly as possible behind her.

Foaly bit his lip, worry for his friend filling his mind. This curse was really taking it out of her, both mentally and physically. He even momentarily regretted his attempts to wind her up, though luckily the thought soon passed. With a sigh he turned back to his computers.

---------------

The meeting was, for lack of a better word, excruciating. Thinking was entirely divided and it soon deteriorated into a grim battle of conflicting opinions. The conflicting opinions in question, that is, being Holly's common sense and her newfound resentment of anyone and everyone who looked to be having a vaguely better time than she was. Or a newer uniform. Or a better view. Or a nicer chair. Or a hotter cup of coffee.

Having run out tiny black spots to count in the marble table-top, Holly was gradually working herself into a state of quiet lunacy over the unfairness of life in general, specifically the outrageous fashion in which the council _insisted_ upon heaping all these ridiculous privileges on the commander. His own, huge, office, own secretary, stratospherically higher pay packet, ability to boss everyone else around…

Captain Kelp, who had only just made it the briefing on time, glanced at her hand, which was lying on the table next to him. The fingers were tapping the surface in a way that clearly represented suppressed anger and annoyance. He risked a peek at her face and saw her clenched jaw and the dangerous gleam in her eyes.

With a quick look to check no one was paying them any attention he snatched her hand from its activity, pulling it out of sight.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Short?" he muttered out of the corner of his mouth, still restraining her wrist. "You'd better not be about to make a fool of yourself here."

Holly was pulled back momentarily to sanity. She yanked her arm away, sitting firmly on the hand. "Nothing's wrong with me!" she hissed back. "Just mind your own business, will you?"

She immediately regretted this, but it was too late. With barely a flicker, he turned away to concentrate on the meeting. She just hoped he wouldn't take it personally. It was just this damn curse, setting her constantly on edge.

Her eyes fell on Root and narrowed as they took him in. Oh, yes, it was all right for him. _He_ didn't have to deal with rampant hexes. All _he_ had to do was sit in his office all day and shout at people. Her lip curled. Whereas her job, oh no. Running around after criminals all day, and did she get any thanks? Any respect? Hell no! Whereas the _commander_…

Blissfully unaware of the simmering resentment building in Captain Short's slight frame, the commander had at last reached the end of the meeting. He stared around the assembled roomful of captains, majors and lieutenants, most of whom were exhibiting various stages of coma produced by extreme boredom. He sighed, then rubbed his hands together in a businesslike fashion, wondering if any of them had taken in what he had just said. "As well as those allocated specific roles in the operation, I want the rest of you on standby in case of… complications." There was a general murmur of assent. "Right. Any questions?"

There was a barely audible snort from somewhere at the back of the room. "Er, yeah, why are you such a bastard?" someone muttered.

The ulcer in Root's stomach began to bubble gently, but he gritted his teeth and ignored the remark. Of course he knew who it was. The little fool was setting herself up for exposure on a grand scale once again. He hastily covered up the deathly silence that had fallen by clearing his throat.

"Well then, that's that sorted. Newt, Kelp and Kelp's squad, report to Foaly as soon as you're prepped for a surface shot. Good luck, men." He strode briskly from the room, careful not to look at Holly in case she went off on one.

---

As she was getting up to leave, Trouble grabbed Captain Short's arm, steering her firmly to a quiet corner of the emptying space. Holly avoided his gaze by concentrating on her shoes. Kelp waited for the last of the officers to leave, then shut the door behind them.

Holly swallowed nervously. This was not good.

Captain Kelp sat in a chair opposite her so as to intercept her line of sight. "Holly." he said quietly, examining her face closely. "What's going on?"

The elf tried to appear confused. "Nothing!" she said brightly, trying to inject as much confidence into the word as possible. "I don't know what you mean."

Trouble gave her a Look. "Bullshit." he told her sternly. "These last few days you've been all over the place. Not yourself at all. Come on, Holly. I'm your friend. If you're having problems, you should tell someone about them. You know you can trust me, don't you?"

With a sigh Holly sat down next to him and patted his hand awkwardly. "I know, Trouble. I do, honest. But I'm fine, really. I'm just having a Frond-awful week and I'll be as good as new in a few days."

He looked sceptical. "You sure about that?"

Holly pulled her mouth into a smile. "Yeah. Don't you worry about me. And hey, good luck on the mission. Don't do anything I wouldn't." She winked at him conspiratorially.

Trouble gave her a playful shove. "Ha! Since when should I follow _your_ example?"

Holly's mouth opened in mock astonishment and she whacked the back of his head with the flat of her palm.

"Cheek!" she muttered, then chuckled. "No, you're right. Come on, there's a city full of criminals out there waiting for us." She got wearily to her feet, squashing the niggling thoughts at the back of her mind that Kelp got treated better than her and was being given unfair privileges. Now was most certainly not the time.

---------------

The day was passing at an arthritic snail's pace. Holly had been barely able to concentrate on the mountain of paper work, she was so busy wishing she was anyone but herself – Commander Root, Foaly, Trouble, Vein, Vinyàyà and in one fleeting moment of utter madness, Chix Verbil. Holly almost shuddered at the memory. Had she really been that desperate?

With a sigh Holly realised she had to get out of the office. Its four bland, cheerless walls were only serving to remind her of the medals she didn't have to display on them, their overly close proximity sneering at her, when meanwhile, someone like _Root_ hogged _acres_ of office space in an overcrowded city where land was more expensive than all the gold and jewels under the earth.

Muttering under her breath, the elf glanced at the projection of the digital clock on the wall. Squashing the thought that the LEP cared so little about her that they had installed light to tell her the time rather than an actual piece of hardware, the idea entered her head to go and see Trouble off. Foaly's briefings had an average length of ten minutes, though if he was feeling particularly… helpful, they could go on for upwards of an hour. However, with the curse lurking at the forefront of his mind, Holly doubted today would be one of those days. Include the fact that it took around forty five minutes to prep and arm an entire retrieval team, and Captain Kelp should be just leaving for his shuttle now.

Showing a sudden application of willpower, Holly rocketed from her chair, slamming the door to her office behind her and sprinting off towards the shuttle bay.

Unbeknownst to her, the curse sat back and surveyed the thought it had created, or would have sat back, had it been a physical entity. It's best yet, it decided. So convincingly Holly-like that even Holly herself had assumed it to be her own. It would have grinned if it could, and had it had teeth it would have exposed them all. _Right_ into the little trap.

---------------

Commander Root froze as he felt the unmistakable shape of a gun barrel press into the small of his back. Flashes from his training days appeared before his eyes unbidden – specifically, he remembered the chief medic telling them what happened when someone shot you in the lower back. Immediate paralysis from the waist down if you were lucky, your entire digestive tract blasted out the other side if you weren't. Root swallowed. What a horrible thing memory could be.

And as the assailant spoke, Root realised immediately what was going on.

"Commander? _So_ sorry to interrupt, but could I have a word with you?" The voice paused and the pressure inflicted by the metal increased. "In private?"

Root swallowed. "Of course, Captain Short. Just give me a moment to finish this conversation with…" He flailed around, trying to remember the name of the hapless secretary who he'd caught yakking on the phone to her boyfriend.

The secretary, blessed with only a scant few brain cells, had failed to notice the tension now present in every muscle in the elf's body, the fixed smile on the face of the pretty, red haired captain and the strange way she stood behind and to the side of the commander. She swallowed.

"Richards, sir, Dawn Richards."

Root cursed her silently for her stupidity, deciding to fire her immediately should he ever get the chance. "Right, with Richards. Could you wait in my office, Short, I'll be with you in two minutes."

"No, no, Commander, this is _urgent_. I need to speak to you about it right _now_." The gun pressed yet harder and Root's heart began to beat more quickly.

"Well, if you're sure." He widened his eyes and stared straight at the secretary in a way he hoped was meaningful but she just took an unconscious step back, completely missing the message in his eyes.

"We'll talk about this later, Richards. Dismissed." Root growled, trying to stay calm.

As soon as she had rounded the corner and was out of sight, Holly lent in close and the commander felt her breath tickle his ear.

"Good boy, Julius." she whispered, so quietly he had to strain to hear, despite her closeness. "Now, let's go for a little walk to your office, shall we? Try _anything_ like that stunt you just pulled with the bimbo and you can say goodbye to your innards. Got it?"

He nodded dumbly, mind scrabbling around for a way out, but could find none. This was one of the few things the Academy didn't train you for. You didn't get many officers who fell out of their trees and tried to kidnap their commanders.

They made their way down the corridor, the weapon Holly had stolen from Trouble hidden by Root's own body. Digits fumbling, he keyed in his access code and the door to the office opened calmly with its customary pneumatic hiss. Under the circumstances it was strangely comforting.

As the door slammed behind them, Holly gestured for him to sit in his chair before she herself perched on the edge of the desk, feet swinging in an ironically carefree fashion.

"So, Julius. Let's have a little talk shall we." She smiled, but there was no warmth, no mirth in it. So different from her usual smile. "Because, well, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and it seems to me that _you_, Commander Root, are being treated rather better than any of the rest of us."

Root said nothing. Of course he was treated better than the rest of them. He was their superior. It was part of the definition.

"Why is that, do you think?" Holly continued, apparently unaware of the lack of input to the conversation. She laughed. "Are you sleeping with one of the council, perhaps? Vinyáyá maybe? Or what about Lope, you've always been close to Lope." Still no reply. The smile vanished. "Don't toy with me, Julius. I'm not in the mood. You've got it pretty easy, you know. We never see _you_ running around after criminals, clambering through sewage, being half mauled by trolls." She paused and a brief, perhaps genuine, smile flitted across her features. "Except for that one time, of course. That Mulch Diggums and his devious ways of making money at other people's expense…"

Her expression changed in the blink of an eye and she returned to glaring disdainfully at him. "Not that you were much help in the end. Fowl was the one who actually did it, not you. And what did you do? You mindwiped him, despite my protests, and why, Julius, why? Because he succeeded where you failed? Or because it was me protesting? You've never treated me fairly, never treated me with the respect I _deserve_. Even now, I can see it in the way you're looking at me. The way your lip curls just a little bit. The way your jaw is clenched in that stubborn manner. Because you won't _listen_ to what I have to say. Oh, you'll hear it alright. Any old sod can _hear_ something. But you could never listen to me, could you Julius? My opinions have never meant anything to you." She scoffed. "Not like that Trouble Kelp, oh no. Not like your golden boy." She grinned evilly. "Are you sleeping with him too, then?" She shrugged. "Hey, I wouldn't blame you, he's not half bad looking, if you're into the whole tough muscle thing." She giggled, a high, unnatural sound. "What, are you not going to say _anything_ to defend yourself?"

Root cleared his throat slowly, as if carefully choosing his words. "Actually, there is one thing I would like to know. I would like to know when this pointless and, quite frankly, boring monologue of yours is going to end. If you're going to shoot me, could you get on with it please, because I have better things I could be doing."

Captain Short's face convulsed with rage and the commander wandered if he'd been wise in his gamble. He didn't have much time to think about it.

"You see!" Holly screeched, fury radiating from every pore. "This is what I'm talking about! This complete and utter disregard for my opinions because you're _so_ much better than me? Well, you know what, Commander? I'm worth ten of you, I'm worth a thousand of you! I'm worth more to you than any of those other layabouts out there." Her lip curled in disgust. "Frond knows, I've saved your wretched life enough times for gratitude. Remember the train, Julius? Remember the avalanche? If it hadn't been for me, you'd be so much frozen corpse by now. And that time you jetted your last piton, because you were too lazy to reel it in? I had to save you then too. And did you ever _thank_ me?" Holly bit her lip and turned her face away, rebellious tears beginning to well up in her eyes. "I tried _so_ hard for you Julius, _so_ hard and you never acknowledged my efforts. Every good thing I did was met with criticism for a minor bad thing."

The tears were beginning to run freely down her cheeks now, and Root suddenly saw a sparkle of hope. She was fast losing her control.

"I can't do anything right for you, can I? I could go to the ends of the earth and back, walk over knife edges until my feet are beyond healing and it _still_ wouldn't be enough for you!" She waved the gun around expressively before throwing it down miserably onto the desk. "What do I have to do, Julius, _what do I have to do_?"

"Well, you could shut up and stop whinging like a four-year-old for a start." he muttered, but before Holly had the chance to register and respond to this remark he had pushed the chair out from under him and had lunged for the discarded firearm lying on the pile of his own unfinished mission reports.

Holly's eyes widened as she realised what he was trying to do and almost without thinking she grabbed his arm, fingers digging into the skin, heading for the tendons that would disable his grip long enough for her to snatch the weapon.

But Root was one step ahead. With his free hand, he had seized hold of her ankle and tugged hard, sending her flying from her seat and tumbling to the floor.

Fortunately for the commander, all the training in the world couldn't have prepared Holly for this to happen and when she tried to attempt a recovery, he had sat down heavily on her legs, pinned her free arm behind her back and pressed the gun to the back of her head. Captain Short immediately fell still as the feel of cold steel against her scalp finally brought her back to reality.

Meanwhile, Commander Root had taken to opportunity to vocally activate his communication line to the LEP's top technical consultant.

"Foaly? It's Root. I need you down here _now_. Make it fast and make it subtle. And bring a firearm."

The line clicked off before the centaur had a chance to respond. Holly twisted her head round so that she could just see the commander with her right eye.

"Commander Root? You can let me go, I'm… normal again."

Root snorted and shook his head, shifting slightly to be more comfortable and causing new areas of Holly's legs to go numb. "Oh no. I don't think so. Not until I have backup in the room. Much as I would love to trust you Holly, I just can't take the risk until Foaly's here."

Holly rested her head against the floor. "I can't blame you I suppose. For what it's worth, sir… I'm sorry for kidnapping you.

Root chuckled. "Now _there's_ something I never expected one my officers to say to me."

Despite the growing pain in her limbs, Captain Short smiled gently.

The door suddenly flew open and a red faced centaur galloped into the room, neutrino hanging unnaturally from his fingers. He skidded to a halt and cast his gaze around the room before he finally spotted the top of Root's head behind the desk, and closing the door behind him, clopped around to see what was going on.

"Why are you on the floo –" he began but stopped when he saw the gun. "Ah. Let me guess. Holly's jealousy got the better of her and she decided to take you hostage?"

Holly nodded miserably. Foaly had to suppress a cackle.

"Are you planning to let her go, Commander? It's just I would imagine she's in a good deal of discomfort."

Cautiously Root released her arm, standing up slowly, weapon still pointed at the captain's head. Holly immediately sat up and began rubbing her calves and thighs furiously, trying to force blood to flow back into them. Throughout the activity her eyes were locked onto the commander's own. There was something about being held at gun point that encouraged you to hold the gaze of your captor.

The commander settled back into his chair with a false ease. "Alright. Captain Short, Foaly recently discovered a way to switch the minds of two fairies so that they each occupy the other's body. Chix Verbil has volunteered and is willing to swap with you. He can fly, is cleared for active duty and gets more respect than you simply because he's male. Are you up for it?"

Holly stared at him. "What? Swap with… No! Hell no! Chix Verbil? I don't care if he's male, he's a waster! I work ten times harder than him, you _know_ I get more respect. I –"

Grinning, Foaly held up a hand to stop her. "Calm down, Holly. It was just a test, which, may I say, you passed spectacularly. I think you can put the gun down now, Commander."

With a sigh the elder elf lowered the weapon, flicking on the safety catch and punching in a code that allowed the power cell to drop into his open palm. He handed both to Foaly as Holly climbed shakily to her feet, wincing at various muscular complaints.

He was about to open his mouth to say something when the door burst open and a panicking sprite fell into the room.

"Commander Root!" he gasped, clutching his sides. "The coffee machine up on the sixteenth floor has gone berserk! It's caused a boiling hot flood and is releasing some kind of gas that makes anyone near it pass out!" He paused to reinflate his lungs. "And none of the technicians will do anything until 'The King' gets there!"

Root closed his eyes for a second while he processed this information. "The king?" he said finally.

"No, no, sir, it's The King, with a capital K. They were very specific about that. I don't know who that is though, sir, they wouldn't tell me. I assumed it must be you."

Root turned to glare at Foaly. "Have you been brainwashing your underlings again, Donkey boy? Don't you remember the budget slash we had to make last time to pay for their mental readjustment?"

The centaur laughed nervously. "I'm sure it's all just a misunderstanding, Commander. Don't worry about it, I'll go and fix it right away." He looked over at Holly. "C'mon, Short, I could use some dumb muscle up there. Let's go."

Trying to hide her relief, Holly followed him from the room, leaving Root alone in his chair. As the door swung slowly shut behind the small party he leaned forwards, forehead resting against his knees and breathed a huge sigh of relief. He didn't care how rare it was, there would have to be a new training course created for situations such as these. He suddenly sat up, grinning wickedly. And he knew _just_ the elf to run it…

---------------

Lili Frond swayed her hips as she strode down the corridor, tray of coffee cups held in her beautifully manicured hands. She smirked, perfectly aware of the way her blonde curls bounced softly as she walked, like little waves of pure gold. She flashed a dazzling smile at the short little gnome behind the reception desk as she handed him his coffee, leaning over just enough to display a tantalising glimpse of cleavage without appearing _too_ slutty.

She continued onwards, stopping at offices on either side to deliver her goods, and completely failing to notice the red head following a few metres behind her.

She came to a halt again at the communal seating area where Trouble Kelp was slumped over two chairs, eyes closed, stained jumpsuit hanging off his limp limbs.

With a falsely caring smile, Lili set her tray down on the central table and leaned down towards the unconscious elf. "Trouble!" she whispered. "Trouble, wake up! I brought you coffee! It's black, no sugar with a shot of cinnamon, just the way you like it." There was no response. Lili's hand reached down, touching his cheek in a way that was suspiciously close to being described as a caress.

Suddenly Holly appeared at her side.

"You know, Corporal Frond," she hissed, malevolence exuding from every pore. "Whispering to him really isn't going to wake him up. What you need to do is this," She paused long enough to fill her lungs and Lili took a cautionary step backwards. "KELP! WAKE UP YOU LAYABOUT, COFFEE'S HERE."

Trouble jerked immediately into alertness. His eyes spun wildly for a moment as he waited for his brain to provide sufficient information to make sense of the situation.

He was unseen however, as Lili had rounded on Captain Short. "Look, _what_ is you're problem, Holly?"

The recon officer's lip curled. "Oh, give me a _break_ Lili, as if you don't know! Gods, you're so obvious!"

Lili's eyebrows rocketed up to meet her hairline. "Excuse me?"

The attention of the rest of the room's occupants had been caught now. A silence had fallen and all faces were turned towards the two females in the centre of it.

"Just for once, don't play dumb. The way you throw yourself at him," She gestured angrily at Trouble who was trying to blend in with the scenery and failing miserably. "Always leaning over him, showing off your _fantastic_ breasts, or your shapely legs or your," She spat. "Beautiful blonde curls. Get over yourself. You are _not _his type."

"Er, and what, exactly, is it to you? Since when do _you_ know what his type is?"

"Well, it would take an idiot to miss that he's not interested in you, Frond. Oh, but that's right, you _are_ an idiot, aren't you?"

The corporal's lip curled. "Take that back, bitch."

Chix Verbil had suddenly appeared at the doorway and evidently couldn't believe his luck. He turned back into the corridor long enough to yell "Catfight!" before sidling over.

Holly leered openly at her, the curse stripping away her self control and making her brazen. "Make me, slut."

Lili gasped. "Did you just call me a slut?"

She pretended to think about it. "Erm, let me see, that would have to be a yes."

This was evidently one insult too far and before Holly could take a breath, Lili's fist had connected solidly with her cheekbone. One hand to her face, Holly started to shake her head.

"I cannot believe you just did that." She lashed out, catching the girl square on the jaw and sending her pin-wheeling across the room.

Suddenly there were a lot of people in the space. Just as Holly was moving in for a second go, she was seized from behind and Trouble's voice sounded in her ear.

"I don't know what in Frond's name is wrong with you, Short, but if you want to keep your reputation, let alone your job, then you stop this _now_."

Holly wrenched an arm free, the movement spinning her round to face him. For a few seconds they both froze, her eyes darting backwards and forwards across his face. Placing both palms flat on his chest she pushed herself free, before breaking into a run.

Gritting his teeth, Trouble let her go. He was almost immediately confronted by an irate Chix Verbil.

"What did you do that for?" demanded the sprite. "It was just getting good! They were about to start ripping each others clothes off!"

Captain Kelp stared at him in disgust. "Oh _grow up_, Verbil." he snapped.

---

Haven city at night was quite a picture. The thousands of coloured lights cast an ethereal glow on the rocky ceiling of the huge cavern, illuminating the many stalactites and glittering off the crystal formations that covered the surface. In the distance, it was just possible to see where the natural cavern ended and the city continued into the solid rocks. It was even possible to forget the huge, ugly sun strips lurking up there somewhere.

Holly was sat, knees hugged tightly to her chest, on the edge of the roof, staring out at the scene below her, as if hypnotised. Joints creaking slightly, Root lowered himself down next to her.

"Foaly said I'd find you here. Apparently it's still within the threshold of the building." He held out a tube of latex. "He asked me to give you this. You're a bit green on your left cheek from where it got rubbed off on the carpet in my office."

Holly took it without a word, wincing as she applied pressure to her bruised face. Seeing her expression, Root brushed her fingers away and pressed his own to the injury for a few seconds, sparks of magic quickly mending burst capillaries.

"Thanks." Holly muttered, staring at her feet.

The commander settled into a more comfortable position. "Want to talk about it?"

She blushed. "Look, about the thing with Lili…"

"It's alright. I know you don't consider Captain Kelp to be anything more than a friend. It was the curse entirely."

She nodded consent then sighed. "I hate this. The way it hijacks who I am. It wouldn't be so bad if I could still think like myself, if it only took over my body and not my mind."

Root grimaced. "I know. But try to hang in there. Four down, three to go, eh?" Holly's head sank further, if possible. "Hey, hey, stop it, come on. We have to be positive about this. Hey, look at me," She did. "You're doing well. I know I give you a hard time, but I have to, Holly. Now come on. Stop being such a girl and get back down there. Foaly wants you in Ops for the last half hour."

Deciding to let the girl comment slide, and with one final glance at the cityscape, Captain Short climbed to her feet and followed him through the door.

---------------

Too long, huh? Oh well. There it is. Hope it wasn't too terrible. As I'm sure lots of you have realised, lust is next. Woohoo! So hopefully, _hopefully_ it should be a bit easier flowing than this one. And I should point out that catfight at the end is based heavily on the catfight between Caroline and Angela over the alleged theft of Angela's knickers in Green Wing… I swear to any deity you chose, that program is the funniest, most genius creation in the world.

There is, as usual now it would seem, a deleted scene, but it really is shit. It's more an extended version of the briefing and afterwards. If you want it, email. Though to warn you, ff.n deletes email addresses after the '' if you post it in the actual text bit of the review.

And does anyone know what the hell they've done with our stars? This is really bothering me now.

slime xxxx


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